Feeling Sunny

When I am feeling down, I find myself looking for a reason to go to my bank.

The branch for my local bank is located in a tiny suite in a large Business Center.  They have the same two tellers always working.  Both of whom, I swear have a crush on me.

Now, in reality, I realize they don’t have a crush on me but because I am a man and men tend to think every woman that smiles at them has a crush on them, I will just stick to my theory that they both want me.

But, I will pretend for now that their job is simply to be appear overly excited to see me and that I am their favorite customer.  But I know better.  They want me.  In fact, all women who smile at me are simply smiling at me because I turn them on.  And if a woman is rude to me or not smiling, she is obviously a lesbian.

Ironically, the woman who opened my account at my bank and is the teller I ALWAYS go to, is named Sunny.   It fits her perfectly.  Not only is she very attractive but this woman is always so happy; happy to see me.  As soon as I walk into this tiny branch, no matter if there is a line or not, Sunny always loudly says, “hi <First Name>, It’s great to see you.”

She knows my name.  Sunny knows my name.

She makes me feel important.  Significant.  She makes me feel good.

Whatever it is she has; it is contagious.  I walk into that bank feeling a little down and I walk out; feeling better.  Temporarily.

I suppose her parents knew something the day she was born.  Either Sunny had to live up to that name and she succeeded or she came out of the vagina laughing and smiling and her parents said, “let’s call her Sunny.”  Either way, Sunny does her name justice.

But I wonder about Sunny.  I wonder about a lot of people I know or meet.  Does Sunny turn off this happy disposition at 5:00 when she goes home?  Is she just doing her job and being overly friendly or is she like this at all times?

When we talk, I always look her straight into the eyes; looking for just a tiny glimpse of sadness or hurt.  I look for something that tells me that Sunny isn’t as sunny as she appears to be.  I have yet to crack the code.

I could never work at her bank.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  If I am angry, you know it.  If I think you are a giant douche, you know it.  If I am feeling down, it will be written on my face.  I can’t fake happy.

Maybe Sunny is exactly who she appears to be.  Maybe, she has an Arizona disposition while I have a Seattle one.  Maybe, she is one of those rare and genuine half glass full people; not the ones who fake it here on Facebook or those who walk around in the real world giving motivational speeches about how grand life is all the while, when they are home alone, they think of all the ways to off themselves.

Maybe, Sunny is genuinely excited about everything.  Especially me.

Either way, I find a temporary  ray of hope and sunlight when I walk into that bank.  That ray is named Sunny.

Maybe, all parents should name their child Sunny or Sonny, if it’s a boy.   We could all aim for a self-fulfilled prophecy.

Personally, I couldn’t handle too many Sunny’s in my life.  I have a need to fix people.  Obviously, I fail at it; but I have a need to be needed.  I suppose if I am needed by someone then I feel wanted.  And If I feel wanted, then I feel loved.

Need= Want= Love.

It’s a flawed equation.  But it’s an equation many of us believe.  But only some of us realize this.

I realize that love is not equal to being wanted or needed but I still strive to be needed and wanted in hopes that my reward is being loved. 

I can name every woman I have ever loved and tell you where I went wrong.  I could tell you how I have tried to fix many people and have failed every time.  But I never tried to fix them for them; I did it for me.  My self-worth.  Selfishness disguised as charity.

Over the last few years, I have learned how to love; how to give love without caring if I am rewarded.  I am trying to put aside expectations; trying to love first and let go of everything else.

Love= want= need

Life is one battle after another.  Too many of us try to do things alone.  Some of us try to fix everyone hoping to attain love.  Everything is backwards.

Every time I go to the bank, Sunny says, “Come back soon.”

I swear that woman loves me.

It helps me sleep better at night believing that.