3 Hours

Due to some unforeseen circumstances, I was given the opportunity to spend roughly 3 hours with my mom in her car with just her today.  Now, this might not seem like a big deal.  Parents and kids often do things together even once that kid is an adult.

We all know that something happens to women when they have kids... they become crazy.  Then, as each new year turns on the calender, they become worse than the previous year.  So, once a kid like me is in his early 40's, that mother is full blown annoying and crazy.  This is an exact science and millions of middle aged kids throughout time can attest to this fact.

Now, without getting into detail on why part of my day was spent with her and keeping these unforeseen circumstances as vague as possible, I want to garner some sympathy so anyone who happens to read this can feel my pain.

Let's begin with our trip to Bookmans.  This is some creative thrift store that buys and sells books, records, CDs, movies and musical instruments.  This was my first time in this place and I would have been quite impressed if this was 1987.  The reason this was our first place on our big adventure was because mom wanted to sell some old records that have been gathering dust for decades.  She was under the impression there is a big market for John Denver and other mediocre artists records. 

We arrive at Bookmans.  All of her records are in a huge box.  I, being the super strong and caring son, agree to hide my shame and carry it into the store for her.  After catching my breath, I place the box on the counter and then, mom takes over.

"Good afternoon, Sir.  I have some great treasures in this box.  There are records in here that will make you tons of money.  These are collector's items and I want your best price," mom confidently tells the hippie hourly wage worker.

"Go ahead and have a seat, Maam.  It will take us some time to go through each one and see if any of these are worth anything to us", the hippie replies. 

Mom agrees and decides this is a good time to use their bathroom.  Me, on the other hand, looked around to see what was on their shelves and quickly determined that 1987 seems ridiculous considering how technology has evolved since then. 

I, then, sit down in some retro church pew to get on the internet on my phone to kill time.  Before too long, I start feeling like everyone was staring at me.  So, I looked up and noticed a tacky lion statue was right in front of me.

This fucking lion just stared at me and it wouldn't stop.  When you are already annoyed, a staring lion statue doesn't make me less annoyed. 

After deliberating over whether or not, I should smash that lion statue or simply admire its handiwork, I realized I had been sitting there for 45 minutes and mom was still in the bathroom.  She was taking a shit.

Finally, she emerges from the bathroom with a retarded grin on her face and blames stress for her ill placed timing to poop.  She then walks up to the counter to discuss "big business" with the hippie.

"Maam, we went through all your records and there really isn't much here we can turn around and sell.  However, we will give you 50 cents for the Englebert Humperdink record", the hippie bravely tells my over confident mom.

"You've got to be kidding?" she replies with anger and shock.

The next 10 minutes have been erased from my memory but it was basically, mom negotiating over 50 cents.  The final result was she got 50 cents and the hippie agreed to take the rest of her records off her hands and give her $2.00 in store credit. 

In other words, we spent an hour together so she could make 50 cents and take a crap.

Next stop, the gas station.  Long story short, Arco sells gas for $2.54 a gallon.  That wasn't good enough for mom.  Twenty minutes and 6 miles later, she stops at Costco because it's $2.52 per gallon for gas.  The next 30 minutes was nothing but her bragging about how she saved a quarter despite wasting all that time and gas looking to save a quarter. 

Okay, to be fair; she did make a whopping 75 cents between her record she sold and driving around looking for the cheapest gas station. 

Last stop, dinner.  This involved her crack house of choice:  the casino. 

We walk in the door and some indian welcomes her by her first name.  She's the Norm from Cheers of casinos, apparently. 

Because she's a regular patron there, she had $35 comped to her for a free meal.  Our dinner was free, basically.  Mom spent the whole time on the phone discussing her dog with a friend.  The phrase "my little angel" was used repeatedly as she spoke on the phone.  I was done eating before she even began due to her lengthy phone call about her sweet little piece of shit angel dog.


I know that 3 hours in one day with a parent is a luxury for some.  I also know that an annoying mom is better than a dead one.  That said, I wouldn't wish this day on anyone.  And I didn't even mention her non stop talking in the car about God knows what nor did I mention that she just got her car back today after totaling it a month ago and still found a way to swerve onto a sidewalk because she's the worst driver ever. 

Lucky for her, no one was on the sidewalk she found herself driving on.  Unlucky for me, I wasn't.