Fifty

Running out of heartbeats.  A predetermined number known to no one.  I feel it coming.
And I am counting.

What do I want?  I want what I've always wanted.
Someone who gets me.
Doesn't matter.  Won't get to fifty.

Heard you cry.  So what do I do?  
Can't win for losing.
Can't be me trying to save you.
Time moves on swiftly.
Wish you were here.  Won't get to fifty.

Self fulfilled prophecy.  Not my cup of tea.
Slept like a log.  Not my reality.
Or my simile.
Thinking of dreaming.  Not my fantasy.
Oh sure, we can JUST be friends.  Not my avidity.
and I've got the audacity
to hope for fifty.
Question everything.  Not my integrity.

Running out of heartbeats.  Double the recommended dosage. 
Today, alone.  So, I laid motionless and counted.

What do you want?  You want what you've always wanted.
Someone who gets you.
When it comes to loving you, I have not been thrifty.
Probably doesn't matter.  Won't get to fifty.

But I'm counting.