Prologue

 

felt like a villain, a serpent.  scapegoating, neurodivergent.  i fucked up.
one in 8 billion, dime a dozen.  dopamine drip, cruelty's cousin

no one ever tells me to shut up.

I meant every word I said.
I mean every word I say.

You don't see me how I see me.
Not everyone's cup of tea.
the devil is in the details
not just the nicotine and coffee
commonality
what's different this time
dot the i's, cross the t's
endorphins

felt like i was reaching, a pipe dream
it just can't get better than this
black and white, failed to see the color scheme
You.
Depersonalized, Overanalyzed
All in the same breath
Villainous at best
Disingenous, at worst
All in the same breath

Indifferent or neurotic
Intimate or platonic
Meticulous or chaotic
Strategic or myopic

I meant every word I said
I mean every word I say
I just don't speak in gray

Second coming, sloppy seconds
words meant to disarm became weapons

I meant every word I said
I mean every word I say.

 

 

 

Epilogue

 

Got no regrets, it got us to here.  But I am sorry.
I am not sorry.  But I regret humilating you.
Can't apologize for humiliating you.  But it was cruel.
I shouldn't admit the cruelty.  I was well intentioned.
Got a few regrets, it got us to here.
I apologize.

Clarity is underrated.   I cannot explain the internal turmoil.  I've mentioned the hamster on the wheel.
What used to be daily is few and far between.  Because of you.

Everything I write now seems trite.  You've had the discomfort of reading words meant for someone else.  Yet, you read them.  And with that same depth of love, you read these now.  But now, they are written for you.   I've had the discomfort of watching you with another.   There is a depth to my love for you that goes unseen.   Words fail me sometimes.  Even now.   But I always knew, you were the one.  And that sounds trite.  

Got no regrets, it got us to here.  And there's a reason why we never get a do over.
Second chances aren't the same as a do over.
I am not sorry.  But I regret the collateral damage and the time wasted.  
Can't apologize for those years and the reoccuring outcome you know too well.  But I threw you to the wolves.   
I shouldn't admit it.  Everyone is wearing sheep's clothing.  Especially me, sometimes.
Got no regrets, it got us to here.
I apologize.

I sat on the edge of a hotel bed; holding my silent phone.  Just hoping it would vibrate. 
I felt like I didn't exist to you anymore.  And it felt easy for you.
The self-absorbed person was me.  Never you.  I just didn't realize it.
No regrets, it got us to here.
I aplogize.
You're single-focused; steadfast in your devotion to each task, each person you love.  One at a time.
Now I am the beneficiary of that trait.
No regrets, it got us to here.

It's Christmas.  I'm surrouned by a tree, enough ornaments to decorate the forest, gifts, food meant for a family.   And your love, it abides.  It's omnipresent.   It cannot be mistaken or mislabeled.  Clarity is underrated.

No regrets, it got us to here.
And I am sorry I made this road hard for you.
I am not sorry.   But I regret I played a part in your suffering.
I shouldn't admit the suffering.  I was well intentioned.
Got a few regrets, it got us to here.
I apologize.

Clarity is overwhelming and underrated.