I was reaching into my locker. Ninth grade. News of the Challenger being passed from kid to kid. Human nature, humor as a defense mechanism kicked in for my boys my age. Space shuttle jokes. A school teacher and some astronauts. 1986. Shock. One girl three lockers away, crying.
President Reagan gave a comforting speech that evening to a mourning nation with a special emphasis side note to the school children of this country. One of his best.
Nine successful missions. Tenth one didn't make it into space.
Seventeen years later, I just hung up my phone. News of the Columbia breaking apart over Dallas on my television. I had no jokes that day. First thing out of my mouth, "we still send space shuttles up to space?" A 17 year gap that remains a blur to me.
Twenty seven successful missions. Twenty eighth didn't make it home from space.
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Some point between the Challenger and the Columbia, I was sitting in my college classroom. The psychology professor was discussing fear. We went around the classroom; each person stating what they fear. Typical answers: Public speaking. Failure. Spiders. Snakes. Cancer. Flying. Dying alone.
It would have been easier for me to answer what I don't fear. I had to narrow my answer down to the one thing I fear most. So, I thought about it.
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There were 135 space shuttle missions. Two were not fully successful.
I suspect it takes someone uniquely wired to want to go to space. I wonder what astronauts fear. My guess is spiders or snakes. Something insignificant when compared to flying to space.
I suppose there's no such thing as having a silly fear. If an astronaut can bravely go to space yet fear a spider, we are all okay.
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Ten years ago, my greatest fear was I wouldn't be loved one day. I was certain she would wake up one morning and realize she just didn't love me. How could she not? Look at her. I convinced myself she was out of my league.
Ultimately, we did not work out. For awhile, I felt my fear came true. The I love yous had stopped. Cold. Stale. Something was different. It had to be me. My fault. I believed that.
I was wrong. Nothing is more loving than kindness and what I had perceived as cold or mean was in reality, kindness. Honesty. Just wasn't meant to be. I'll never hear those three words from her again. And that's okay. It has to be.
Fear leads to paralysis. It doesn't have to.
Seventeen years after the Challenger, NASA kept sending up space shuttles and astronauts were still signing up for space. Eight years after Columbia, same exact scenario.
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I sat in that psychology class waiting my turn to answer the professor's question. Each student had their answer ready. Some feared insects. Some, reptiles. Some, dying alone. Some, flying. Some, cancer. Some, losing a loved one.
And me...
I fear elevators.
