Thank you

Coming down from all those highs; those lies I used to tell myself.  Thank you addiction for the best friend any man can have.  I'll state the obvious when I can catch my breath; catch my fall if you catch my drift.  Thank you addiction says these idle hands.

Two billion heartbeats if I live to seventy.  Through all the punches and all the kicks, all the light and all the dark;  from the bottom of my soul, thank you, heart.

Little old lady who gave birth to me; well, we barely speak.  She throws words at me and then I duck.  When the I love yous stop and you're still a kid, detachment becomes your defense.  Maybe, deep down inside, those words still exist.  I'll state the obvious when I catch my breath; catch my fall if you catch my drift.  Thank you mom, I know you mean well.

Thank you for being pro-life.  Sure, you could have taken the easy road.  This accident was no mistake.  Little old lady who gave birth to me, you chose well.

Waking up from a deep sleep; back from a world where familiar faces still greet me, I am reminded that nothing is ever done in vain.  Thank you dreams for the best friend any restless man can have. 

Once upon a time, we were all stronger than this.  I am sorry you lost your step.  If I knew peace was out of reach, I would have crushed your bubble and dragged you out.  Thank you temptation for all this wisdom.  Someday, I will reconcile the two.  I am sorry temptation killed a man like you.  I'll state the obvious when I catch my breath; catch my fall if you catch my drift.  Thank you wisdom for proving no one dies in vain.

Old man in an unmarked grave, I don't know your face.  Sure, I wonder if I ever crossed your mind.  But old man in that unmarked grave, there are no hard feelings.  Someday, I may even visit you.  Thank you dad for dying before we meet.  Sincerely, your son, Clarity.  I'll state the obvious when I catch my breath; catch my fall if you catch my drift.  Thank you dad for everything.

You, yes you, the one I used to know; the one I can't let go.  Thank you for the recipes.  I'll be sure to make the perfect feast.  Next time, there's always a next time, I'll thank you perfectly.  And maybe, you'll notice me. 

Again.

Thank you fear for the cement in my shoes.
Thank you failure when there's nothing left to lose.
Thank you negativity.  The half empty glass is always right to choose.

Coming down from all these highs; all the lies I used to tell myself.  Thank you clarity for being the best friend a man can have.  I'll state the obvious when I catch my breath; catch my fall if you catch my drift.  Thank you clarity says this grateful man.

All Cats go to Hell

For a brief period in my life, I had a cat in a dog's body.  It was a gift given to me after my black lab, a real dog, died.

This new dog I received already had a name.  It was Tessa.

Tessa was a yellow lab.  She was anything like the dogs I had been accustomed to.  It was aloof.  Indifferent.  Frankly, it was an arrogant dick.

Tessa was a dick.

Like a cat.

She hated to be touched.  She never greeted me at the door.  I don't even think she knew her name but if she did, she obviously hated it because she never responded when I called her.

Now, in Tessa's defense, she was already 6 years old when I was given her.  So, I suppose her former owners were partly to blame for this undoglike behavior.

My last dog, prior to Tessa, Buddy, was a needy fucker.  It needed constant attention.  I was his god.  I was Buddy's Lord and Savior.  Man, did I love that dog.

Tessa was the antithesis of Buddy.

When Josh Billings once stated that "dogs are the only thing on earth that love you more than itself", he was referring to Buddy.

It's an amazing feeling to feel needed, wanted and loved.  That is the gift that Buddy left me in his short lived life of ten years.

I've heard many theories on why some people are cat people and others are dog people.  For me, there's no contest.

I'm a needy fucker.  I need to be needed, wanted and loved... maybe, in a small degree, worshiped.  That's me in a nutshell.

When I love someone, I am no different than Buddy.  I can be frustrating and even unbearable, at times.  But I never leave a doubt of how I feel for that person.

Buddy always suffered from separation anxiety when I wasn't around.  He would chew up any of my belongings he could find.  I suppose he believed he was teaching me a lesson.  That dog had mastered the art of the silent treatment.  He pouted if I went somewhere in my car without him.  That dog gave the best guilt trips around.  They say dogs are just mirror images of their masters and oddly, he was as good at manipulation as I am.

I always wondered why he was so upset when I left him to go somewhere.  Did he think I was going to meet a better dog and replace him?  Did he have these images of me petting another dog while I was away? 

Because I tend to be egocentric, I assume everyone and all creatures think like I do.  I know that if I was a dog and my master had left me alone, my first thoughts would be that he must be out petting another dog and looking to replace me.


My last roommate was this crazy cat lady.  Not only did she feed all the neighborhood stray cats daily, she owned a cat.  She named it Ginger. 

For the first few weeks I lived with her, I completely ignored Ginger.  Sure, she tried to get my attention on a few occasions by staring at me for hours on end or by meowing for no damned reason before I would wake up in the morning.  But I simply decided not to give her eye contact or acknowledge her annoying cat sounds.


Then one day, I was in a particularly good mood and decided to give Ginger one chance to impress me.  As I was sitting in my internet chair playing on my laptop, Ginger decided to rub itself all over my leg.  I thought to myself, "well, well, well, I guess this cat likes me.  I guess cats are friendly, after all."  My thought process went even a little deeper, "I can really get into cats now.  Ginger is giving me affection so maybe I was wrong about these useless pets". 


So, after carefully considering my next move, I bent down to pet that cat.  Before my hand had even touched it, it fucking bit me.


That was the moment I realized why cats and dogs don't get along.  It was also the moment I decided to never give another cat a chance with me.

Cats were never intended to be domesticated.  They are independent animals that prefer solitude.  Cats are really nothing more than smaller versions of tigers.  Regardless of what cat lovers believe, cats don't care about you.  That is not affection they are giving when they rub up against you or even jump in your lap.  They are using you. 


In a sense, cats are a lot like politicians.  They know what to say and do to get you to meet their needs but they are quietly laughing at you when you aren't paying attention.


Dogs genuinely want our affection.  They are social animals.  Kick a dog and he still won't leave you.  Dogs aim to please.  Cats aim to please... themselves.


Recently on facebook, somebody posted a status about the death of their cat.  Like usual, the death groupies and pretend prayer givers showed up to offer their sympathy.  Now, I am not heartless.  I do understand the grief caused when a pet dies.  I certainly understand the attachment we humans have with our pets.

Now before I finish my thought, I should clarify what death groupies and pretend prayer givers are:

Death groupies are those people who always glop onto every tragedy on social networks.  Somebody dies and it's the death groupies who suddenly claim to have been best friends with the now dead person.  Death groupies, under the guise of being big-hearted, are the ones who make the death of someone else all about themselves and their pain and how they feel.

Pretend prayer givers are the people who show up in statuses when there is a tragedy or misfortune in ones' life and comment with some knee jerk reaction of "you are in my prayers" or "I will pray for you".  Of course, three seconds after the pretend prayer offering is given, they are off onto someone elses status offering sympathy or some other trite piece of information. 

Let's be honest, how many people actually stop and pray for those they tell are in their prayers?  Not many. 

"I will pray for you" usually is just a calculated phrase used during an awkward moment.  It's almost as genuine as a cliche.  And don't get me started on people who try to make the "if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade" cliche something comforting. 

And come to think of it, if cats could type and were on facebook, they would be pretend prayer givers.  They would say what we think we want to hear just for their own selfish means.

Okay, now back to the facebook status regarding the death of one's cat:  This woman was obviously upset about the loss of her cat.  And rightfully, so.  As I am reading the usual comments from people, one particular comment made me laugh.  Maybe, it shouldn't have but it did.

The comment said, "I am sorry for your loss but be assured Mittens is in heaven waiting for you."

WTF?  I so desperately wanted to type that acronym under her comment. 

What makes this pretend prayer giver so sure Mittens is in heaven?  Where is it written that animals even go to heaven?   Did this woman just make up her own belief system and decide to convert people to her new animal heaven religion? 

Maybe, I am being harsh.  I just thought it was ridiculous but moreso, awkward. 

But let's say this woman is right.  Let's pretend there is an afterlife for our pets. 

If the notion that all dogs go to heaven is true, then I am certain Mittens and all other cats go to hell.  The same place Tessa went when she died. 
 

Few and Far Between

I unplugged every clock in my house and the sun still came up. 

Where did the time go? 

When we were talking, your brave face was growing too tight.  How could you breathe?  Man, what I wouldn't give for five more minutes.  Remember the clock flashed midnight for three weeks straight?  Reason enough to believe day light was just an illusion.

Shed your thick skin, my friend.  Wear my sorry excuse for a heart on your sleeve.  I want to know where our time went.  I want to believe.

The gratitude was few and far between as were the apologies.  Tomorrow, I said. 

Life embarrassing is a lonely town just outside the city limits of Guilt.  Here in Guilt, we welcome all women and children.  Please leave your clocks at home.  If you're asked what time it is, tell them I said, "tomorrow".

Moonlight swims, who wears clothes?  Shame doesn't exist in the dark.  Foreplay, then I'm an afterthought.  Are you angry because I wasted your time? 

Honey, drown your pride.  I'll keep the lights off.  I'll show you where the time has gone. 

Guilt is a violent city surrounded by empty fields.  The farmers all pray for rain.  They believe you reap what you sow and faith is their only crop. 

The blessings are few and far between.  Tomorrow, they say.

My hands shake.  My eyes twitch.  Where did our time go? 

Your beautiful wings, your crooked horns.  They say good comes from God and evil from the devil.  But you're both.  I feel like an ant while you hold up a magnifying glass and you're using the sunlight to burn me alive.  And I feel like a butterfly whose wings you ripped off just to kill time. 

But only because of the love you took back.  Tomorrow, I say.

Hello cancer, my only friend.  I've come to talk to you again.  You don't just show up over night.  It takes years and years of damaged cells.  And then your ugly face appears.  Can you tell me where our time went while you were swimming in the blood of the unexpected? 

Mercy me, few and far between.  Rip off the halo, change my shoes.  Unplug the clocks.  Head out of town.  Take no baggage.  Start over again.  Tomorrow, I say.

They say, the other side does not keep time.  Then tell me where the time goes. 

I thought we would be around forever.

I miss your face.  And I miss your love.  Although, it's few and far between, I can't let go.

Tomorrow, I say. 

Stereotyping Future Government Leaders

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking regarding politics:  Why we are in this mess and who is to blame for this mess.

In one corner, we have liberals blaming conservatives claiming their support of rich people, the job creators, is to blame.  In the other corner, we have conservatives blaming liberals claiming their bleeding heart policies have enlarged our government to such an enormous size that it ends up stifling private sector growth.

Now, personally, I have no doubts that the larger the government gets, the less effective it becomes.  I also know that the more you tax people, the less money we have in our pockets.  But I am also aware that the solutions aren't so black and white.

So, I was thinking... who would be best to run this country?  Men?  Women?  Blacks?  Gays?  Midgets?  Jews?  Those people here on the internet who believe they have the answers for everything?  Which group or demographic could run an effective government?

Obviously, the white male seems to be the only constant we've had in government and obviously, that isn't working.  We tried a black man in the white house and obviously, that isn't working either.  Then again, this black man is half-white so maybe only half of him is not working well.

Men:  What we do know about men is that they like toys and like to fight.  This explains why most of our GDP goes to the military; shiny new toys used to beat someone else up.  Men are solely responsible for every war we have engaged in.  Men are also guided by their egos so we know that this is the gender more likely to be corrupt when given power.

White Men:  See above.  One difference is that white men tend to only like to fight yellow or brown skin men.  They negotiate and will not go to war with other white men.  Also, white men can't dance which means dance offs are never an option if our country wants to fight with another. 

Liberal Women:  Assuming we had a congress and president of just women, excluding corrupt women like Nancy Pelosi or a megalomaniac like Hillary Clinton, war would never be an option.  However, women are ruled by emotion and love to shop.  This means our government would be even larger, our deficit would be deeper and there would be government programs for everything.

I knew a girl in junior high that believed the government should spend more money saving puppies and kittens by enacting some type of government cabinet... the Dept. of Puppy Rescue.   Compassionate, yes.  Reasonable, no.

Put women into power and we'd end up with more needless programs.  Saving puppies and buying shoes do not fall under the government's responsibilities.

Conservative Women:  Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, et al.  In theory, they could not do much harm to our country.  Then again, if you hand the keys over to retards in a nuclear plant, one of them is bound to accidentally push the wrong button.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am conservative by nature.  In theory, conservative women would be great in politics, but until we get people other than Sarah "I can see Russia from my house" Palin or Michellle "pray the gay away" Bachmann or Nancy "just say no" Reagan, I don't believe they could run an effective government.  They speak in sound bites, cliches and tend to speak impulsively without thinking. 

Jews:  The stereotype that Jews are cheap, if true, would be good for our country.  When is the last time you heard about Israel having a huge deficit or economic crisis?  You haven't.  Despite being smaller than Rhode Island, Israel has nuclear weapons and a large military yet are not dangling on the string of economic collapse.  They even have lower tax rates on their citizens than the U.S. 

A population of about 7 million in a country smaller than Rhode Island with a large military and highly advanced weapons with every country surrounding them wanting to eliminate them should be more difficult to maintain economic stability than our country.

The downside to having Jews run our country would be Streisand, Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker.  If you think the women of the Democratic party are unattractive....

Midgets:  Short people always want to fight and are always overcompensating.  See George W. Bush for more details.

Gays:  More emotionally guided people with an obsession with shoes. Moving on...

Liberal Blacks:  Oprah's choice, Obama, had his chance.  And don't get me started on Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton.  Moving on. 

Conservative Blacks:  Add Alan West or J.C. Watts and either would have my vote immediately.  However, conservative blacks probably will never have the full support of the black community due to decades of conditioning.  Also, lets be honest, when someone says "conservative blacks" this is the first image that will enter your mind

Yes, conservative blacks tend to be nerdy.  Which leads me to this:

Nerds:  On paper, nerds sound like a great choice.  They are smart.  They don't care about sex so they will always be focused on working and getting things done and fixed.  But the problem with nerds is they are socially awkward and usually carry around an asthma inhaler.  In case of a crisis, the last thing our country needs is some stuttering wheezing nerd standing at the pulpit during a press conference telling us everything will be okay. 

Which leads to the only logical choice left:

Internet Know it Alls:  YES!  People like me would be great presidents. 

Life Embarrassing

Standing in the corner of life embarrassing, nobody remembers your name. 

Age six, prom queen wore baby doll dresses and a tiara at the dinner table.  I'm going to be a princess someday.

Anchored by some guilt and the hands of time, prom king sure let himself go.  I'm going to be the proud father of two after I make some money and a name for myself.

Punch bowl conversations are casual at best.  Norman Rockwell portraits hang in our dreams.  Life embarrassing is a lonely town where all the people smile if they dare step outside.  And if they dare step outside, they hurry back home where nobody asks what you've been up to.

We used to have conversations with ourselves.  I spoke at them and they spoke at me.  It seems so strange to brag about things you have yet done.  Looking back now, I would probably shut up. 

I learned how to drive at the age of eighteen said the man who lost his virginity at twelve.  Some things are quite backwards in this little town.  Life embarrassing is a friendly place despite the empty streets and pristine landscape. 

There was a girl building a stairway to heaven and when she was done, she turned back around.  Solitude may be a hell in itself but if it's all you know, you'll choose the comfort of those flames.  We used to talk for hours late into the night.  She spoke about her wedding and all the dreams soon to follow.  Well, some things are better left to dreams but she wouldn't change a thing.  Life embarrassing is filled with dreamers.

Once upon a time about an hour ago, my phone rang for what seemed to be minutes.  A reunion of sorts awaited the other line.  How could I answer when I would have nothing to say?  Life embarrassing keeps the dreamers silent.

I can imagine he has a few stories to share while sitting in a room with dust covered trophies.  Back in the day, I predicted his glory.  Rumor has it, he is now wearing my shoes.  The emperor of life embarrassing is never wearing clothes. 

Fell in a love with this girl who is better than me.  The knowledge of this truth breeds some resentment.  There are some things we never talk about.  For example, everything.

Standing in the corner of life embarrassing, everybody knows your name. 

Like a River

I'll tell you exactly how it feels.  It happens instantaneously.  It fills you up and empties you at the same time.  Like a river after a rain storm. 

You feel it in your brain, in your hands, in your feet... your stomach isn't just tied in knots, it's a mess, a complete glorious mess.  You feel it in your skin, your bones... even your eyes.  Your eyes will fill up at the most unexpected moments; be it, at the sight of a child on a swing set or an elderly couple simply walking hand in hand on a sidewalk.  The most unremarkable of scenes on your television will cause you to break down and weep and laugh and weep some more only to be replaced with a slight twitch because something suddenly reminds you that someday it could be you...again. 

You feel it all throughout your body.  Your blood boils so hot it rushes down to the center part of your body and you are left wanting and needing and wanting some more but that wanting is not for you.   It's for them.  

And you feel it in your sleep; your dreams aren't filled with monsters or ghosts from your past.  You can't wait to fall asleep because you know tomorrow will be even better.  You can feel it in your heart without a single word from your brain.  It's like your head and your heart finally agree on something. 

And you suddenly believe in God and miracles and angels.  Gravity becomes your friend as all those things you could never grasp because they seemingly kept floating further and further away now suddenly just stop and stare you straight into your face.  Faith becomes that feather frozen in time hovering mid-air; ready to captured. 

And that smile you always faked is now a permanent natural fixture.  And everyone, your friends, your family, strangers, those you once hated, all of them; everybody... they all know something is quite different. 

And all that bitterness and envy becomes a relic of your past; only to be observed in the Museum of broken hearts.  And that hate for your fellow man and that self-loathing that became routine; all of it just evaporates.  Like a river after a drought.  And it rains.  And it rains.  And it feels so good on your face.

And you feel it on your tongue.  Food and sex never tasted better.  What was once obscene is now beautiful and delicious.  The tiniest of morsels become a feast in and of itself.

And that cross you used to carry becomes as light as the air you breathe.  And that crown of thorns you placed upon your own head ceases to exist.  And the martyr you believed you were is now recognized as just a fool.  And the death you so quietly hoped for is a prayer you hope to not repeat. 

And those songs you once cried to becomes music you can dance to.  And the prince of the air suddenly lets you be and breathing is no longer a chore.  And the black cloud above your head suddenly is just a halo.  And the scars look less ugly as you realize you are not standing in this moment if you weren't falling when they were made.

And you feel it in every thought.  Doubt expired instantaneously. What you know now is exactly what you knew then.  And life is always good even when it's bad.  And hope is not around the corner.  Its standing in your shadow.  And everything that was once a rumor is simply just the truth. 

And there is nothing sweeter than those three words.  And when those words are given; they can never be retaken. 

Like a river after a rain storm,  it fills you up and empties you at the same time.
 

Happy Dog

I'm gonna buy me a happy dog.  Like the one I used to have. 

Happy dog will have a home.  In her home, she will be fed.  When she's not fed, she will be loved.  As she's loved, she will wag her tail for me.  When she wags her tail for me, I will know happy dog loves me.

Happy dog will go on walks.  Sometimes, let loose to run free.  Happy dog will meet other dogs but won't let them too close to me.  Happy dog will be a selfish dog; the kind of dog they all should be.  If I dare touch another dog, happy dog will snap at me. 

I'm gonna buy me a happy dog.  And give her a special name.  Like the one I used to have.

She won't be my daughter or I, her surrogate dad.  Happy dog will be my best friend.  We will share our secrets late at night when no one is around to care.  Happy dog will be a thoughtful dog; the kind of dog that worries when I'm not there.

When I'm gone, happy dog will sleep and dream of me coming home.  She will never give up on me because happy dog knows no one should be left alone.  Maybe, happy dog will be an anxious dog; the kind of dog they all should be.  If I dare say anothers name, happy dog will snap at me.

I'm gonna buy me a happy dog; a dog that understands my moods.  Like the one I used to have.

Happy dog will be by my side even if I don't ask her to.  She will know what this man needs; the kind of man who is hard to read.  Happy dog won't be complex.  She will be a simple breed. 

When that day comes and goes; the day we must part ways, happy dog will understand.  Maybe, happy dog will beg me to never leave if happy dog is a loving dog like they all should be.  Just one look and happy dog will know that she only belongs with me.

I'm gonna buy me a happy dog.  Like the one I used to have.

Like Me

She was waiting for a man; a man like me.  Not the man I am but the man I should be. 

Some say, she's got the perfect pose.  An illusion like Independence day.  I guess freedom is everyone's dream.  Now, do what you're told or we'll lock you up.  If loneliness is merely a cage, then life is just a zoo.  Don't feed the animals, they'll just end up relying on you.  God forbid, we roam free.  She's waiting to be fed from a man like me.

In a sun dress and flip flops, she is waiting for her knight.  She speaks so bravely about needing no one.  Some say, in a crowded room, you can hear her cry.  If the world's going to burn, she's gonna burn alone. 

Some say, she never sleeps.  Sweet dreams delude the mind.  She's waiting for a ship; a ship that will never come.  Maybe, everyone is lost at sea.  If she's found washed up on shore, chances are she was drowning for a man like me.

There's something beautiful when only hope remains.  Like a flickering candle when the power's out.  She knows her way around the dark.  It's as easy as a broken heart.  She says she doesn't need electricity.  I guess you get used to the black when you spend your time waiting for a man like me.

The woman at the airport with her face buried in her hands has a tale I would love to hear.  Whispered promises and good intentions make an autumn night a little less crisp.  I would guess she's already picked out her wedding dress.  Women like her fail to see that words mean nothing from a man like me.

Some say, that woman is just as guilty.  Maybe, it's easier to just sing along.  If loneliness is merely a one person play, then life is just the stage. Please, no applause until the show is over. 

Mom says dad had a heart of gold; buried beneath layers of scar tissue.  Fool me once, shame on you.  She waited and waited as the years went by.  Some say, she seems so happy.   Dad was not a man, a man like me.

I'll get on my horse and rescue you.  Just tell me again what it is you love about me.  I will be the man; the man I should be.