When the I love yous stop

When the I love yous stop, what do you do?

I was looking for a job and then I found a job.  Heaven knows I'm miserable now.
Two lovers entwined, pass me by.  And heaven knows I'm miserable now.

I can relate to those words from Morrissey. 

I suppose there were two types of people during my younger days:  those who listened to The Smiths and those who listened to everything else.  It's fascinating to me that with each self-perceived crisis, I am regurgitating the same old songs from those past self-perceived dramatic moments.

When the I love yous stop, what do I do?

Those ASPCA commercials with Sarah Mclachlan's voice reverberating in the background make me a little more sad.  "Those poor, lonely dogs", I think to myself but the truth is it's all about me.  We are incapable of empathy unless we can relate.  Anything else is disingenuous.  Anything else is worthy of contempt.

Misery loves company?  No, misery loves nothing.  Misery is a lonely number like one.

When the I love yous stop, I find myself picking up a new addiction.  Like that rehab center where I wandered the halls covered in the stench of cigarette smoke.  Like those casinos where thick fog of cigarette smoke clouds the views of all the screaming women because they just won a small fortune.  The irony flows through my veins as I never learned how to smoke but I seek refuge in a mass of fellow addicts.

When the I love yous stop, I walk quickly past every mirror in my house.  I make myself sick.  My worth was cloaked in someone else's approval.  I can't look at my face for fear of recognizing why the I love yous stopped.

Every cloud has a silver lining?  No, every silver lining has a cloud. 

When the I love yous stop, I envy the celebrity.  I worship the martyr.  I fall into the arms of the sandman. 
When the I love yous stop, I dream of better days.  And maybe I weep a little more for those that are gone.  And maybe I pray a little less and consume the lies being whispered in my ear, a little more. 

When the I love yous stop, I find I love you easier to say.  I find kindness easier to implement and compassion a little less vague.

I suppose I take certain things for granted.  Like my life.  Our lives. 

I suppose those three words shouldn't be an expectation.  I suppose we are all floating on treacherous waves being circled by sharks.  And that safety boat is merely an illusion.  And that branch we clutch for to save us from drowning is simply a piece of straw.  And that desperate need to be loved is as necessary as food.  Or oxygen.  Or water.

When the I love yous stop, I find myself loving you more.