All Cats go to Hell

For a brief period in my life, I had a cat in a dog's body.  It was a gift given to me after my black lab, a real dog, died.

This new dog I received already had a name.  It was Tessa.

Tessa was a yellow lab.  She was anything like the dogs I had been accustomed to.  It was aloof.  Indifferent.  Frankly, it was an arrogant dick.

Tessa was a dick.

Like a cat.

She hated to be touched.  She never greeted me at the door.  I don't even think she knew her name but if she did, she obviously hated it because she never responded when I called her.

Now, in Tessa's defense, she was already 6 years old when I was given her.  So, I suppose her former owners were partly to blame for this undoglike behavior.

My last dog, prior to Tessa, Buddy, was a needy fucker.  It needed constant attention.  I was his god.  I was Buddy's Lord and Savior.  Man, did I love that dog.

Tessa was the antithesis of Buddy.

When Josh Billings once stated that "dogs are the only thing on earth that love you more than itself", he was referring to Buddy.

It's an amazing feeling to feel needed, wanted and loved.  That is the gift that Buddy left me in his short lived life of ten years.

I've heard many theories on why some people are cat people and others are dog people.  For me, there's no contest.

I'm a needy fucker.  I need to be needed, wanted and loved... maybe, in a small degree, worshiped.  That's me in a nutshell.

When I love someone, I am no different than Buddy.  I can be frustrating and even unbearable, at times.  But I never leave a doubt of how I feel for that person.

Buddy always suffered from separation anxiety when I wasn't around.  He would chew up any of my belongings he could find.  I suppose he believed he was teaching me a lesson.  That dog had mastered the art of the silent treatment.  He pouted if I went somewhere in my car without him.  That dog gave the best guilt trips around.  They say dogs are just mirror images of their masters and oddly, he was as good at manipulation as I am.

I always wondered why he was so upset when I left him to go somewhere.  Did he think I was going to meet a better dog and replace him?  Did he have these images of me petting another dog while I was away? 

Because I tend to be egocentric, I assume everyone and all creatures think like I do.  I know that if I was a dog and my master had left me alone, my first thoughts would be that he must be out petting another dog and looking to replace me.


My last roommate was this crazy cat lady.  Not only did she feed all the neighborhood stray cats daily, she owned a cat.  She named it Ginger. 

For the first few weeks I lived with her, I completely ignored Ginger.  Sure, she tried to get my attention on a few occasions by staring at me for hours on end or by meowing for no damned reason before I would wake up in the morning.  But I simply decided not to give her eye contact or acknowledge her annoying cat sounds.


Then one day, I was in a particularly good mood and decided to give Ginger one chance to impress me.  As I was sitting in my internet chair playing on my laptop, Ginger decided to rub itself all over my leg.  I thought to myself, "well, well, well, I guess this cat likes me.  I guess cats are friendly, after all."  My thought process went even a little deeper, "I can really get into cats now.  Ginger is giving me affection so maybe I was wrong about these useless pets". 


So, after carefully considering my next move, I bent down to pet that cat.  Before my hand had even touched it, it fucking bit me.


That was the moment I realized why cats and dogs don't get along.  It was also the moment I decided to never give another cat a chance with me.

Cats were never intended to be domesticated.  They are independent animals that prefer solitude.  Cats are really nothing more than smaller versions of tigers.  Regardless of what cat lovers believe, cats don't care about you.  That is not affection they are giving when they rub up against you or even jump in your lap.  They are using you. 


In a sense, cats are a lot like politicians.  They know what to say and do to get you to meet their needs but they are quietly laughing at you when you aren't paying attention.


Dogs genuinely want our affection.  They are social animals.  Kick a dog and he still won't leave you.  Dogs aim to please.  Cats aim to please... themselves.


Recently on facebook, somebody posted a status about the death of their cat.  Like usual, the death groupies and pretend prayer givers showed up to offer their sympathy.  Now, I am not heartless.  I do understand the grief caused when a pet dies.  I certainly understand the attachment we humans have with our pets.

Now before I finish my thought, I should clarify what death groupies and pretend prayer givers are:

Death groupies are those people who always glop onto every tragedy on social networks.  Somebody dies and it's the death groupies who suddenly claim to have been best friends with the now dead person.  Death groupies, under the guise of being big-hearted, are the ones who make the death of someone else all about themselves and their pain and how they feel.

Pretend prayer givers are the people who show up in statuses when there is a tragedy or misfortune in ones' life and comment with some knee jerk reaction of "you are in my prayers" or "I will pray for you".  Of course, three seconds after the pretend prayer offering is given, they are off onto someone elses status offering sympathy or some other trite piece of information. 

Let's be honest, how many people actually stop and pray for those they tell are in their prayers?  Not many. 

"I will pray for you" usually is just a calculated phrase used during an awkward moment.  It's almost as genuine as a cliche.  And don't get me started on people who try to make the "if life hands you a lemon, make lemonade" cliche something comforting. 

And come to think of it, if cats could type and were on facebook, they would be pretend prayer givers.  They would say what we think we want to hear just for their own selfish means.

Okay, now back to the facebook status regarding the death of one's cat:  This woman was obviously upset about the loss of her cat.  And rightfully, so.  As I am reading the usual comments from people, one particular comment made me laugh.  Maybe, it shouldn't have but it did.

The comment said, "I am sorry for your loss but be assured Mittens is in heaven waiting for you."

WTF?  I so desperately wanted to type that acronym under her comment. 

What makes this pretend prayer giver so sure Mittens is in heaven?  Where is it written that animals even go to heaven?   Did this woman just make up her own belief system and decide to convert people to her new animal heaven religion? 

Maybe, I am being harsh.  I just thought it was ridiculous but moreso, awkward. 

But let's say this woman is right.  Let's pretend there is an afterlife for our pets. 

If the notion that all dogs go to heaven is true, then I am certain Mittens and all other cats go to hell.  The same place Tessa went when she died.