Thank you, Internet

Sixty years ago, men could get off looking at the bra section in a Sears catalog.  Today, those same catalogs have no effect on our libido.  As a kid when HBO was the latest luxury and we couldn't afford it, I would sit and stare at the snowy screen in hopes for a brief shot of some woman's breast.  Today, kids without cable; even kids without a computer can find nudity anywhere.

Thank you, internet, for desensitizing us men and boys.  And thank you for eliminating the mystery of sex and the human body.

Once upon a time, men would shamefully stand in line at the local 7-11 to buy a Penthouse or a Playboy.  Boys were stealing magazines from their fathers.  All of this for a few snapshots of breasts and a finely shaved bush.  Once upon a time, women didn't shave everything completely. 

Thank you, internet, for removing all shame for men of standing in line to buy a dirty magazine. 

In all these years, I have been alive, I have only stood in line ONCE to buy a "dirty" magazine.  It was a Playboy featuring a young Drew Barrymoore.  It was just my luck that the cashier was an attractive woman.  The way she looked at me as she rang up my magazine made me feel like I was wearing a Scarlet "P" as in pervert. 

Thank you, internet, for allowing my Scarlet P to only be worn at home where nobody knows.

So, a friend and I were discussing porn recently.  We started naming off all of the legal options available with one click of our mouse:  threesomes, animal porn, anal sex, gang bangs, granny porn... and just to emphasize how desensitized and bored the internet has made us with sex, you can find porn of  30 year old women with pigtails wearing a school girl uniform as they are about to get nailed by their teacher.  Because using real school kids in porn is illegal and because there are men who fantasize over school kids, we now have porn where actors act like school kids.

Thank you, internet, for making regular man on woman, penis and vagina penetration porn boring to us.

But really, as my friend and I were discussing porn, we started questioning why everything is so extreme online.  So, as the analytical person that I am, my thoughts led me to Facebook.

Just about everything we do and see on Facebook is extreme:

Ever wonder why those terrible singers on American Idol, the ones we all laugh at, act so shocked when the judges tell them they suck?  I blame social networks and most of the people on them.

I will explain...

Extreme complimenting:  It doesn't fail; some average looking, sometimes barely attractive, woman will post a picture of herself.  By the end of the day, that picture will have countless extreme compliments... 

"Omg, Michelle, you are the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen."
"Wow, Brenda, you are stunning."


I could go on.  Look, it's fine to tell our grandmothers they are looking good or a friend that they look pretty.  Beauty is subjective, I suppose.  But we don't even do that online.  We go the extra mile.  We lay it on thick.  Those with limited unimaginative vocabularies use extreme compliments.  I'm sorry but the majority of people are not breath taking or drop dead gorgeous.

Now, it gets even worse when people post some video of themselves singing karaoke.  I've personally watched and listened to countless videos of sub par to average "singers" only to find myself reading countless comments from people telling those barely tolerable "singers" they could sell records.  Youtube is a gathering of thousands of delusional people all believing they have star potential.  But they aren't to blame... We are. 

One minute, a god-awful untalented singer is posting a video of herself.  The next minute, she's on American Idol with her head in the clouds... all because we are fueling her ego with extreme compliments. 

Extreme flattery:

This seems to be more limited to the socially awkward who are desperate to make online friends.  These are the people who show up in one person's status and shower that person with unwarranted praise.  These are also the people who lay it on thick with extreme sympathy if some online friend's cat dies or some other personal tragedy is made public. 

Another behavior is extreme grandstanding.  This is when one person wants the world to know how kindhearted they are.

"Fed a homeless man today"
"Donated $1 million to some orphans".

Everything has to be an announcement on Facebook.  Charity is now trumpeted loudly on the pages of the social network user.  Good thing, Mother Theresa didn't have a Facebook.

Extreme bragging also is a new phenomenon.  The first day I was on the internet, about 15 years ago, I was in a chat room.  Within five minutes, some douchebag announced he has a big penis.  Fifteen years later, not only do men still announce their penis size on the internet, both men and women love to announce every aspect of their sex lives.  Hell, adults even brag about smoking pot. 

Thank you, internet, for being a place where people can brag about doing things that 95% of the rest of the population does.

Now, these men who often mention their sexual prowess are the same ones who engage in extreme sexual deviancy.   What woman hasn't been sent a random picture of a penis to their email or inbox?  Prior to the internet, a man would go to jail if he approached a woman in the mall parking lot and opened his trench coat to show her his penis.  Online, its not only okay to show women your penis, it's not even shocking anymore. 

Extreme vanity

Prior to the internet, I knew people wanted positive reinforcement.  That's natural.  Of course, we want to be told we are attractive.  But the internet has now turned us into attention whores.  Girls, women, men acting as their own paparazzi as they stand in front of their bathroom mirror with their camera phones; making ridiculous faces and then posting those pictures on facebook.  This celebrity culture we live in has everyone believing they are a star.

But the worst cases of extreme vanity are centered around cleavage.  Woman posts picture of herself wearing a low cut shirt, tits pressed against each other; all the while she's making a blowjob face with a caption, "Got a new haircut today.  What do you think?'  Come on, we can barely see your new haircut in that picture.

Social networks have turned us into shallow beings continually in search of some superficial spotlight with meaningless approval from well intentioned "friends". 

Then we move on to extreme emotions.  A celebrity dies, internet people are now "devastated".  Post an anti-Obama opinion and extreme rage sets in on those who admire this president.  Prior to the birth of the internet, I would have arguments with friends over politics and even religion.  But I have never eliminated that friend from my life for disagreeing with me.  Online, extreme rage leads us to the deletion button and we un-friend people quickly.


I think my favorite observation of extreme behaviors online is simply the use of an extreme acronym.... ROFLMAO.  Someone write a mildly amusing, almost funny comment and out of nowhere, a "friend" is suddenty rolling around on the floor laughing   I've seen a lot of funny stuff in my life.  Not once, have I laughed so hard, I ended up on the floor rolling around.  But that's me.

Online, we take everything to an extreme.  We use extreme words either to compliment someone or to insult them.  Everything is taken so seriously here.

It's no wonder that, at least once a week, we hear about someone killing themselves because of a "cyber bully".  Before the internet, suicide was a depression thing or a mental illness result.  Today, it's sometime a result of not being accepted in the shallow, superficial world of the internet.

Extreme actions and behaviors will always result in extreme reactions. 

And lastly, thank you internet for all the times, you've made me laugh, shake my head and sigh at others.

And I end this with a Tweet that had me ROFLMAO: