Sometimes, I look at my mom with this certain degree of awe. Considering everything she has gone through from childhood until now, I would be remiss to not recognize why she is how she is and to forgive those things that others may find unforgivable.
I could make a list of a thousand wrongs she has committed, a thousand nuisances and quirks that literally drive me insane, and a thousand more of her traits that make me grind my teeth.
One day, that list will cease to exist, In its place will be a list of all the good she has done; a list of every moment where she sacrificed her own life, her well being for ME. One day, I won't being able to recall any of these moments where I just wanted to walk out of her life forever.
A few years ago, I stumbled onto an old box of my childhood memories. It consisted of report cards, baby pictures, hundreds and hundreds of pictures of me growing up... there is a lock of hair from my first haircut, an imprint of my baby foot and my baby hand... In this well preserved box are countless handwritten mothers day, valentines, birthday and other cards. It's amazing to me that for the first 10 years of my life, I was in awe of this woman and how much I was willing to overlook certain things and just simply loved her.
It says a lot that through all these years, she has kept this box and all its belongings in pristine condition. Ever doubt your parents love you? Just go looking for those things they have saved of YOU.
"My mother died in my arms tonight", my heart skipped a beat and I got this sunken sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because one day, I will be the one sending out that text message instead of being the recipient of it.
"I am hot", those were her last words, said this friend about her mother.
Mom took me to Disneyland when I was a kid. We drove 12 hours in her beat up muffler-less banana colored Pontiac. Her car broke down in 120 degree heat in Yuma, Arizona. I wouldn't have blamed her if she had cancelled the trip. The hard earned money she saved up for this vacation was now going to have to be used for her car.
The funny thing about a parent's love is they don't give up, they don't cancel dreams of little boys. They make do, so to speak.
After a day stuck in this Hell on earth and a night in a cockroach infested motel, she found a way to get us to Disneyland.
On the ride back home, proudly wearing my new Mickey Mouse ears, I threw a tantrum. I don't remember why I was upset but in my haste, I threw those ears out the car window. Mom's hard earned money, out the window. In her anger, she pulled over to the side of the highway, pulled my pants down and spanked me in front of all the traffic.
She did the right thing. I deserved it.
This one event, this one angry spanking used to be on my list of a thousand wrongs she has committed. I know better now. She loved me. I am/was frustrating. She raised me alone. She worked 18 hours a day everyday for ME. That's the funny thing about a parent's love, they don't seek accolades or mother of the year trophies but they do want gratitude.
At some point between that trip to Disneyland and puberty, I love you stopped coming out of her mouth. I used to think it was because somehow, I became unlovable. I used to include this omission from my thousand wrongs she has committed list.
I know better now.
What do you say to a friend whose mother died in her arms? How can I understand her agonizing grief when there have been times, I wanted my own mother to stop breathing?
Maybe, I'm sorry is the only thing to say. Maybe, I'm sorry is intended exclusively for the living. Maybe that old worn out cliche of you don't know what you've got until it's gone is true. In fact, it is true.
One person's tragedy inevitably will become our own. You can't empathize with another person unless you know how they feel or can imagine how you would feel if you were them. It's natural to take one's tragic event and personalize it.
So, I take last nights tragedy that a dear friend is facing and I personalize it. Her life changing moment is now mine. It's a part of me. Because when that day comes and my own mother has to go, I will have something to draw from.
The funny thing about a parents love is it comes in so many different ways. It's always shown by action; never never by words alone. Some parents may not show affection. Others may not utter those three words. Some parents may make us grind our teeth. Some parents may just quietly slip into the night with last words that seem so meaningless.
I imagine this friend was hoping for some encore, some heartfelt goodbye before the final exit. I suppose it's probably a lot to ask.
Funny thing about parents love that I think we all forget... The most loving act a mother does is give us life. That moment they choose US should be enough. It never is. It never feels sufficient until they are gone.
I have a list of a thousand wrongs my mom has committed, a list of a thousand of her quirks and annoying habits that literally drive me crazy and a list of a thousand more of her traits that make me grind my teeth.
I am not looking forward to the day that list ceases to exist.
To my dear friend, I am sorry.
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