Fifty

Running out of heartbeats.  A predetermined number known to no one.  I feel it coming.
And I am counting.

What do I want?  I want what I've always wanted.
Someone who gets me.
Doesn't matter.  Won't get to fifty.

Heard you cry.  So what do I do?  
Can't win for losing.
Can't be me trying to save you.
Time moves on swiftly.
Wish you were here.  Won't get to fifty.

Self fulfilled prophecy.  Not my cup of tea.
Slept like a log.  Not my reality.
Or my simile.
Thinking of dreaming.  Not my fantasy.
Oh sure, we can JUST be friends.  Not my avidity.
and I've got the audacity
to hope for fifty.
Question everything.  Not my integrity.

Running out of heartbeats.  Double the recommended dosage. 
Today, alone.  So, I laid motionless and counted.

What do you want?  You want what you've always wanted.
Someone who gets you.
When it comes to loving you, I have not been thrifty.
Probably doesn't matter.  Won't get to fifty.

But I'm counting.

Psychopath

Psychopath taking a bubble bath.  Crying at old movies.  Psychopath and the questions asked.  Where are the apologies.


Gaslight the gaslighter.

Blink too fast, love becomes extortion.  Take my heart in for an abortion.

Firestarter can't be the firefighter.

Psychopath wears a name tag.  Easy label for those you don't understand.  Throw some stones, you'll never miss underhand.   Break a heart.  Cure writer's block.  Doesn't seem like a fair trade.  Doublespeak is double talk.  Killing a spider with a hand grenade.

And there's no going back.
And there's no going back.

So, I quit.  I give up.

And there's no going back.

Tell him everything he does wrong.  Never mention anything he does right.

Gaslighter with its gaslight. 

Let the anti-hero be the martyr
The firefighter can never be the firestarter.

And there's no going back.

First Time

Over my shoulder to the right.  Take a turn, no signal light.   Baby's got a baby crying in the back seat.  For the first time, I feel like a neophyte. 

Thought you should know, I was feeling like a quill in a bottle of invisible ink.  A tonic for strange times; a cocktail for past crimes.  All the useless thoughts I think.   And I couldn't love you any better or worse.  I couldn't be more numb as when this hurts.  Thought you should know.

Over my shoulder to the left.  All the discarded moments I say I never kept.  Baby's got a baby of an idea.  Think bigger, dream bigger, I pled.  And she doesn't know what goes on inside this head. 

Thought you should know, I was feeling like an empty page in a photo album.   And I could be replaced with anyone.  That's the baby of the man you chose.  And this is me trying to juxtapose.  For the first time.

Over the hill is better days.  A double entendre, an ironic phrase.  Life isn't made for everyone.
Under the moon, hangs our yesterdays.  Under the moon, hangs our dirty laundry.  Thought you should know, it's okay and always. 

And thought you should know I'll be your parachute.  Your medicine and chicken soup.  All the useless things I sometimes think.   Subtraction by distraction until they sink.  Thought you should know that long winded is me at succinct.  For the first time.

Over the twelve straight ahead, someone may steal our song.  The moments you don't stay calm.  It's over the six when the melody becomes a Psalm.  So, wait.  Baby's got a baby in bloom.  Neither here nor there, nor early nor late.

And everything will be alright.
Baby's got the love of a neophyte.

For the first time.