Paramnesia

 

I was standing on the sidelines.  I said too much.  Probably didn't say enough.  I think I've been here before. 

If only my mind could be read.   If only my heart could be seen.  If only I listened.  I think I've been on mute before.

It's a two week drought.  It's a lifetime of what could be.  If I said, this is the worst.  If I could say how much this hurts.   Out loud. 

I was laying face down.   Pillow collecting the rain.  I couldn't breathe.  I did not want to.   I think I've felt this before.  This is different.  Worse.

Sticks and stones.  I would rather be beaten with those.  Some words never go away.  I can't unhear what I heard or unsee what I saw.   I think I've felt redemption once before.

I was sitting on a park bench.  Soaking in the summer warmth.  If only you were proud of me.  Or me of me.  I think I've been here before.

I've been sober way too long.  Love is the needle injected into me.  If only, she knew.  I think we are better off without me. 

It's the perfect loneliness.  I think I've convinced myself of this before.  It's the imperfection that drew me in.   And I never wanted out.

I was standing on the sidelines.   I said too much.  Never said enough.   I think I've been here before.

 

 

 

Fifty

Running out of heartbeats.  A predetermined number known to no one.  I feel it coming.
And I am counting.

What do I want?  I want what I've always wanted.
Someone who gets me.
Doesn't matter.  Won't get to fifty.

Heard you cry.  So what do I do?  
Can't win for losing.
Can't be me trying to save you.
Time moves on swiftly.
Wish you were here.  Won't get to fifty.

Self fulfilled prophecy.  Not my cup of tea.
Slept like a log.  Not my reality.
Or my simile.
Thinking of dreaming.  Not my fantasy.
Oh sure, we can JUST be friends.  Not my avidity.
and I've got the audacity
to hope for fifty.
Question everything.  Not my integrity.

Running out of heartbeats.  Double the recommended dosage. 
Today, alone.  So, I laid motionless and counted.

What do you want?  You want what you've always wanted.
Someone who gets you.
When it comes to loving you, I have not been thrifty.
Probably doesn't matter.  Won't get to fifty.

But I'm counting.

Psychopath

Psychopath taking a bubble bath.  Crying at old movies.  Psychopath and the questions asked.  Where are the apologies.


Gaslight the gaslighter.

Blink too fast, love becomes extortion.  Take my heart in for an abortion.

Firestarter can't be the firefighter.

Psychopath wears a name tag.  Easy label for those you don't understand.  Throw some stones, you'll never miss underhand.   Break a heart.  Cure writer's block.  Doesn't seem like a fair trade.  Doublespeak is double talk.  Killing a spider with a hand grenade.

And there's no going back.
And there's no going back.

So, I quit.  I give up.

And there's no going back.

Tell him everything he does wrong.  Never mention anything he does right.

Gaslighter with its gaslight. 

Let the anti-hero be the martyr
The firefighter can never be the firestarter.

And there's no going back.