Saturday, September 27, 2014
Mister G
They call him Mr. G.
He's got one of those name spelled one way but pronounced another.
Mr. G fought in World War II. He's from the generation that understands sacrifice, hard work, integrity, loyalty, and goodness. Unlike mine.
I went to a funeral many years ago of a former co-worker. I knew very little about this man but his kind eyes and gentle disposition were enough to cause a few of us to fit his farewell into our busy schedule. I don't cry at funerals. I cry at TV shows. I cried at his; more or less, a stranger to me.
I learned more about him during the thirty minutes of his burial than I had the two years I worked with him. Maybe, my generation has a problem with paying attention to people.
Like Mr. G, this man was a World War II veteran. The 21 gun salute and the playing of Taps was an honor befitting of an obvious once great man. His best friend stood at the podium and spoke of his sobriety. He stated with a trembling voice, "Mr. B was a recovering alcoholic. When he chose sobriety 30 years ago, he became my sponsor. Regardless the time of day or in the middle of the night, I could count on him to talk me down from the ledge. I owe my life, my family, my kids.... I owe everything to Mr. B".
And then he sat down. Silence filled the air. Well, excluding, this gasp of air I lunged for in between trying not to sob.
Mr. G has lived alone for the last two decades. His wife, a distant memory as her urn sits on a mantle in a makeshift den. He refers to her as Precious. Mrs. P, I suppose. His one and only daughter with her children visit him often. Mr. G loves those days.
He's a simple man. He loves jello and noodles. He still drinks tap water and scoffs at the notion people buy water in bottles. He has a landline telephone and thinks smart phones are stupid. He has 5 channels to choose from on his television and thinks 4 of them are unnecessary. Mr. G has a VCR. It was a gift from an old friend. He loves watching Singing in the Rain. He has a laptop. His screen saver is a picture of Mrs. P. Her giant face engulfs the whole 14 inch screen. It's the only reason he bothers turning it on. He can stare at her for hours and reminisce.
"Mrs. P used to love taking walks. The Arizona sunset is a glimpse into heaven", he says as his voice cracks. Mr. G doesn't talk about the old war or how things used to be. He doesn't mention what is wrong with my generation or the world today. Mr. G only likes to talk baseball and Mrs. P.
As I was exiting the funeral for Mr. B, I felt compelled to walk up to his best friend and simply shake his hand. Thank you, I said. I wish I knew Mr. B. This generous stranger with the firm handshake, looked me dead in the eyes and said, "If you're lucky enough to meet one great man in life, make it your mission to breathe him in. Listen, observe and follow his example. If you never meet greatness, become it."
Easier said than done.
A few days ago, Mr G fell down. Those legs, his joints, his bones; these body parts that held him together during the world's greatest war, finally succumbed to age. Upon his fall, his daughter was called and he was rushed to the emergency room. Surgery is usually the last resort for men in their nineties. But it had to be done. And he pulled through.
Mr. G has now been admitted to a nursing home. His final days or months or years are now in the hands of others. A man that once fought for our freedom has now lost his.
A visitor inquired about his new home as she paid him a visit. Next to his bed is a bottle of Aqua Fina water. Mr G says, "it tastes like shit". And she laughed.
He's not going to make it, the doctor says.
He doesn't want to is more like it.
Mr. G wants to see Precious again.
Everyone is going to miss him. Well, those of us lucky enough to have spent any time with him. For now, we will just breathe him in.
And hope we can exhale some of that air of greatness onto others when he's gone.
For him.
Mister G.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Busy People
I can't watch television without being on the computer. I can't eat without being online. I can't write without music in the background. I can't drive without the radio. I can't sleep without noise. I can't focus without distraction. I can't think without preconceived notions to challenge my critical thinking skills.
And I can't love without hope.
And I can't believe without love.
I used to wonder how people fall out of love. Everything from they became too busy and simply grew apart to they weren't busy enough and some idiomatic indictment about idle hands being the devil's workshop would follow. I'd hear these claims of one smothering the other; one of the two being too needy. Then, I would hear some metaphorical mantra of that which is not nurtured cannot grow.
I can say with such clarity that every woman I have ever loved, I still love them today. From when 15 year old me loved that big bangs and denim skirt wearing 15 year old girl to the woman I love today. All of them are still loved by me. And I can't imagine a day when I'll stop.
I used to come home from work only to be greeted by the best dog a man could own. That excitement, maybe, it was passion... whatever, it was; nothing was better than being wanted to be seen by him. On occasions, during the day as I worked, he would chew up furniture, get into the trash and make a mess out of my house. I just figured it was a typical case of canine separation anxiety or simply, boredom.
One day, it all stopped. I came home from work and he was nowhere to be seen. No greeting. No mess. I searched for him and eventually, found him in my bathtub; all stretched out asleep.
His comfort suddenly outweighed his enthusiasm for me. It became a reversal of roles immediately. It was me jumping on him and trying to lick his face. It was me showing my excitement to be home to greet him.
I began to miss his neediness. He certainly didn't love me less but he found something that was keeping him busy. And that was... sleeping in a bathtub.
As Buddy got older, less agile and his cancer was draining all his strength; his enthusiasm for me never waned. I would come home from work and there he was; laying right by the door for me. His bathtub phase was a thing of the past. Sure, he couldn't jump like his younger self but those loud thuds of his tail were all I needed to hear to know how he still felt about me.
I would unlock my front door and carefully open it. If he was laying too close to the door, I would squeeze through the tiny crack so not to hurt him. I would put my keys into my pocket, bend down and spend a few minutes with him. He would look up at me with these kind eyes; listening intently as his tail kept hitting the floor. And then before I could move on through the rest of the house, he would lick my hand.
This was our routine the last couple months of his life.
It's an amazing feeling to know unconditional love be it from a significant other, a family member or simply, a pet.
I don't think we are really ever prepared for all this constant change throughout life. One minute, we are madly in love with someone. The next minute, that once fiery flame is a flickering low lit candle. And some people give up despite a flame still existing.
I suppose where a light still flickers, hope still exists.
I prefer the simpler days before technology took us over. Those days we had to earn affection. Maybe, at the time, I didn't appreciate the effort involved in finding a pay phone to call that person whose voice I wanted to hear. I certainly, as a young kid, hated having to fight with my mom for use of our one and only rotary phone. This was long before call waiting and cordless phones, pacing back and forth waiting for her to finish her call and leave our living room so I could have a few minutes to hear that someone's voice.
I prefer the days where text messaging seemed impossible. I don't like that my attention span is shot and that multi-tasking has become an euphemism for time management.
I hate the excuse of being busy. And it is an excuse. If we are too busy to spend time with our loved ones or making an effort for real communication, it's merely a choice of priorities.
My fondest memories of my dog, Buddy, were his final days. To watch a dying best friend find the strength and deep seeded love for me to make an effort to greet me each evening is something I will never forget.
I suppose dogs recognize time better than we do. Maybe, they know they have a decade or so to live and then its all over. They certainly do not know the word regret.
And they are definitely not familiar with the term busy.
And I can't love without hope.
And I can't believe without love.
I used to wonder how people fall out of love. Everything from they became too busy and simply grew apart to they weren't busy enough and some idiomatic indictment about idle hands being the devil's workshop would follow. I'd hear these claims of one smothering the other; one of the two being too needy. Then, I would hear some metaphorical mantra of that which is not nurtured cannot grow.
I can say with such clarity that every woman I have ever loved, I still love them today. From when 15 year old me loved that big bangs and denim skirt wearing 15 year old girl to the woman I love today. All of them are still loved by me. And I can't imagine a day when I'll stop.
I used to come home from work only to be greeted by the best dog a man could own. That excitement, maybe, it was passion... whatever, it was; nothing was better than being wanted to be seen by him. On occasions, during the day as I worked, he would chew up furniture, get into the trash and make a mess out of my house. I just figured it was a typical case of canine separation anxiety or simply, boredom.
One day, it all stopped. I came home from work and he was nowhere to be seen. No greeting. No mess. I searched for him and eventually, found him in my bathtub; all stretched out asleep.
His comfort suddenly outweighed his enthusiasm for me. It became a reversal of roles immediately. It was me jumping on him and trying to lick his face. It was me showing my excitement to be home to greet him.
I began to miss his neediness. He certainly didn't love me less but he found something that was keeping him busy. And that was... sleeping in a bathtub.
As Buddy got older, less agile and his cancer was draining all his strength; his enthusiasm for me never waned. I would come home from work and there he was; laying right by the door for me. His bathtub phase was a thing of the past. Sure, he couldn't jump like his younger self but those loud thuds of his tail were all I needed to hear to know how he still felt about me.
I would unlock my front door and carefully open it. If he was laying too close to the door, I would squeeze through the tiny crack so not to hurt him. I would put my keys into my pocket, bend down and spend a few minutes with him. He would look up at me with these kind eyes; listening intently as his tail kept hitting the floor. And then before I could move on through the rest of the house, he would lick my hand.
This was our routine the last couple months of his life.
It's an amazing feeling to know unconditional love be it from a significant other, a family member or simply, a pet.
I don't think we are really ever prepared for all this constant change throughout life. One minute, we are madly in love with someone. The next minute, that once fiery flame is a flickering low lit candle. And some people give up despite a flame still existing.
I suppose where a light still flickers, hope still exists.
I prefer the simpler days before technology took us over. Those days we had to earn affection. Maybe, at the time, I didn't appreciate the effort involved in finding a pay phone to call that person whose voice I wanted to hear. I certainly, as a young kid, hated having to fight with my mom for use of our one and only rotary phone. This was long before call waiting and cordless phones, pacing back and forth waiting for her to finish her call and leave our living room so I could have a few minutes to hear that someone's voice.
I prefer the days where text messaging seemed impossible. I don't like that my attention span is shot and that multi-tasking has become an euphemism for time management.
I hate the excuse of being busy. And it is an excuse. If we are too busy to spend time with our loved ones or making an effort for real communication, it's merely a choice of priorities.
My fondest memories of my dog, Buddy, were his final days. To watch a dying best friend find the strength and deep seeded love for me to make an effort to greet me each evening is something I will never forget.
I suppose dogs recognize time better than we do. Maybe, they know they have a decade or so to live and then its all over. They certainly do not know the word regret.
And they are definitely not familiar with the term busy.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Say Yes
remember
what i put you through
and remember that i remember, too
say yes
like romeo and juliet
staring up at the moon's silhouette
they both knew it wasn't over yet
say yes
i'm selling the dream
to bankrupt eyes
painting a picture of things unseen
may seem unwise
say yes for those
who never walked in our shoes
say yes for those
who always lose
like the omnipotent cannibal and His only son
don't think too much
enjoy this communion
this is my body, this is my bread
the living flesh will never taste better dead
say yes
for the sun and the moon
who were once in love
now, they're billions of miles apart
you and i
we deserve a better fate
say yes from the heart
like romeo and juliet
caught between a spider's web
and a butterfly net
they both knew it wasn't over yet
say yes
love me more never love me less
remember what i put you through
and remember that i remember, too
then remember that i did confess
how i won't put myself through that again
say yes
and remember that i remember, too
say yes
like romeo and juliet
staring up at the moon's silhouette
they both knew it wasn't over yet
say yes
i'm selling the dream
to bankrupt eyes
painting a picture of things unseen
may seem unwise
say yes for those
who never walked in our shoes
say yes for those
who always lose
like the omnipotent cannibal and His only son
don't think too much
enjoy this communion
this is my body, this is my bread
the living flesh will never taste better dead
say yes
for the sun and the moon
who were once in love
now, they're billions of miles apart
you and i
we deserve a better fate
say yes from the heart
like romeo and juliet
caught between a spider's web
and a butterfly net
they both knew it wasn't over yet
say yes
love me more never love me less
remember what i put you through
and remember that i remember, too
then remember that i did confess
how i won't put myself through that again
say yes
Iconic Image of Irony
I can't
Not anymore
Tell the pigeons I'm out of bread
Tell the man on the corner I am out of change
Tell the voices in my head
I can't
Not anymore
I'm standing on the moon
I'm wearing Saturn's ring around my finger
And I can't
Not anymore
Be your universe
Tell the pigeons I'm out of bread
Tell the disciples I have no wisdom to disperse
It's friday o'clock a half past noon
My lunar cycle is raging
And time is standing still
And the silence is exhilirating
But I can't
Not anymore
Tell Cupid he can have his arrow back
Tell Mother Nature I am off to bed
Tell Father Time I've been a good son
Tell the voices in my head
I can't
Not anymore
I'm surrendering to the French
I'm addicted to the irony
And I won't
Not anymore
Be your whipping boy
Tell the pigeons I am out of bread
Tell the gods I have spent their joy
And I can't
Not anymore
Be
the iconic image
of irony
Feeling Sunny
When I am feeling down, I find myself looking for a reason to go to my bank.
The branch for my local bank is located in a tiny suite in a large Business Center. They
have the same two tellers always working. Both of whom, I swear have a
crush on me.
Now, in reality, I realize they
don’t have a crush on me but because I am a man and men tend to think
every woman that smiles at them has a crush on them, I will just stick
to my theory that they both want me.
But, I will pretend for now that
their job is simply to be appear overly excited to see me and that I am
their favorite customer. But I know better. They want me. In fact,
all women who smile at me are simply smiling at me because I turn them
on. And if a woman is rude to me or not smiling, she is obviously a
lesbian.
Ironically, the woman who opened
my account at my bank and is the teller I ALWAYS go to, is named
Sunny. It fits her perfectly. Not only is she very attractive but
this woman is always so happy; happy to see me. As soon as I walk into
this tiny branch, no matter if there is a line or not, Sunny always
loudly says, “hi <First Name>, It’s great to see you.”
She knows my name. Sunny knows my name.
She makes me feel important. Significant. She makes me feel good.
Whatever it is she has; it is
contagious. I walk into that bank feeling a little down and I walk out;
feeling better. Temporarily.
I suppose her parents knew
something the day she was born. Either Sunny had to live up to that
name and she succeeded or she came out of the vagina laughing and
smiling and her parents said, “let’s call her Sunny.” Either way, Sunny
does her name justice.
But I wonder about Sunny. I
wonder about a lot of people I know or meet. Does Sunny turn off this
happy disposition at 5:00 when she goes home? Is she just doing her job
and being overly friendly or is she like this at all times?
When we talk, I always look her
straight into the eyes; looking for just a tiny glimpse of sadness or
hurt. I look for something that tells me that Sunny isn’t as sunny as
she appears to be. I have yet to crack the code.
I could never work at her bank. I
wear my emotions on my sleeve. If I am angry, you know it. If I think
you are a giant douche, you know it. If I am feeling down, it will be
written on my face. I can’t fake happy.
Maybe Sunny is exactly who she
appears to be. Maybe, she has an Arizona disposition while I have a
Seattle one. Maybe, she is one of those rare and genuine half glass
full people; not the ones who fake it here on Facebook or those who walk
around in the real world giving motivational speeches about how grand
life is all the while, when they are home alone, they think of all the
ways to off themselves.
Maybe, Sunny is genuinely excited about everything. Especially me.
Either way, I find a temporary ray of hope and sunlight when I walk into that bank. That ray is named Sunny.
Maybe, all parents should name their child Sunny or Sonny, if it’s a boy. We could all aim for a self-fulfilled prophecy.
Personally, I couldn’t handle too
many Sunny’s in my life. I have a need to fix people. Obviously, I
fail at it; but I have a need to be needed. I suppose if I am needed by
someone then I feel wanted. And If I feel wanted, then I feel loved.
Need= Want= Love.
It’s a flawed equation. But it’s an equation many of us believe. But only some of us realize this.
I realize that love is not equal
to being wanted or needed but I still strive to be needed and wanted in
hopes that my reward is being loved.
I can name every woman I have
ever loved and tell you where I went wrong. I could tell you how I have
tried to fix many people and have failed every time. But I never tried
to fix them for them; I did it for me. My self-worth. Selfishness
disguised as charity.
Over the last few years, I have
learned how to love; how to give love without caring if I am rewarded. I am trying to put aside expectations;
trying to love first and let go of everything else.
Love= want= need
Life is one battle after
another. Too many of us try to do things alone. Some of us try to fix
everyone hoping to attain love. Everything is backwards.
Every time I go to the bank, Sunny says, “Come back soon.”
I swear that woman loves me.
It helps me sleep better at night believing that.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Speak of the devil
Speak of the devil, here I am. A state of contrition is where I've been. You love me, you hate me. Here, we go, again. Robotic responses never seem genuine. I'd rather you kill me than ignore me. It seems silly; our story. I'd rather die of this cancer than live with this medicine. Speak of the devil, I'm not your friend.
Your god does not exist but mine does. We both can speculate on who's wrong as we discuss what once was. How we got here used to be unimaginable. Can we remain amicable? I'll even settle for civility. Oh the humanity, speak of the devil.
Give me a minute to play devil's advocate. Your water to wine miracle is your apathy from passionate. Even on this cross, I still feel inadequate. And if you're expecting some second coming, I won't be around for it. Speak of the devil, I'm just some televangelist. I could cure you of this and cure you of that. Like all those disciples, you're just a sycophant. The end of our world is imminent.
Not once did I ever question your devotion. Not until you began to go through the motions. You speak of the devil as if you're some theologian. When you and I both know that faith only belongs in the hands of the hopeful. Maybe in the middle, there is some common ground. Speak of the devil, I'm sorry to let you down.
God Beauty. God Money. God Celebrity.
Speak of the devil, I'm laughing hysterically.
Give me a minute to play devil's advocate and offer you some sympathy.
Sorry to interrupt as you drink from the devil's cup. The optimist says, it's half empty. And no matter how much you drink, it will never be enough.
Your god does not exist but mine does.
He's the same as he ever was.
And just to make myself clear
Speak of the devil and he will appear.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Losers
The loser in you speaks so eloquently. What is deemed pathetic is only synthetic to the naked eye. How could I and the loser in me argue with you so desperately? I've got my hands in my pockets. You've got one chance to succeed before I rip out your heart just to watch you bleed. What is deemed poetic is merely prophetic to the deaf ear. The loser in you does not belong here.
Running scared. Standing still. It's the same destination. We're all hostages to this cosmic free will. What the universe won't tell you while God is on vacation is we've got to surrender without hesitation. But the loser in you succumbs to the bastardization of some unspoken prayer. And the loser in you is now a disciple of temptation while the loser in me is bound by limitation. And I don't belong there.
When I debate with the loser in me, all truth is lost in its ambiguity. The loser in you is welcome to enter the fray. You're welcome anywhere as long as you stay. No matter how pungent, the truth is always a bouquet.
I think I'm ugly and verifiably weak, the loser in you dares not to speak. I'll trade you my ego for your mystique. What the universe won't tell you is this karmic curse is just a loser's winning streak.
The loser in you is in love with the loser in me. That loser will lose her eventually. And we can exchange pleasantries and affectionate words but at the end of the day, we are merely left with the verbs.
And I would think by now, we would know better. But the losers in us will always stick together.
You speak so eloquently. What is deemed pathetic is truly aesthetic. Your words are music to me.
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