Uninvited.

Christmas 2002: 
Everyone knew it was his last Christmas.  Thirty two years old.  Still young.  Nowhere near his prime.
Immortal?  Not as I once saw him.
Elevated in my eyes?  Sadly, no longer.
Loved?  Absolutely.

A few weeks earlier, the doctor warned him.  "Drink ever again and this will be your last Christmas.  No more birthdays.  Drink ever again, you won't survive."

I always say I can't talk about it.  But I always do.  In bits and pieces.  Because I feel guilty.  I feel anger.  I feel human.

I'm not good at being human.  Nor was he.

He was larger than life.  Ask anyone. 

I never did tell him.  Nor did I tell his family.  But they saved my life.  They welcomed me as if I was one of their own.  He was my brother.  Sometimes, even my dad.  Always, my best friend.

I don't think I ever mentioned any of that to him.  I'm sure he knew.  Maybe, not. 

He was the loneliest person I have ever known.  Loved, admired, idolized, imitated and lonely.

Christmas Day, I came over uninvited.  No big deal.  They welcomed me as one of their own.  I walked into their home.  He was in his room.

I have no idea what we did that night.  What words were said.

But I remember how he looked.  I recall his warmth. 

I will never forget wanting to cry....
because I knew this was his last Christmas.

Christmas 2003:
Fuck it.  It was the worst Christmas of my life.

He left this world three months before.  Two weeks before his 33rd birthday, to be exact. 

His doctor was right. 

It really wasn't about me that day.  It was about them.  The living.  His family.

I should have called.  Maybe, showed up uninvited.  I was one of their own.  They would have have welcomed me, as always.

Thank God I had a dog that day.  I had to cry to someone; someone who wouldn't tell anyone.  He never cried and he would have punched me if he knew I did.  If he was still with us, of course.


Christmas 2012:
I still think about him all of the time.  So many things I would tell him.  So many things I would do over.  I would have done better.  I know it.

At 17, I was a little awkward.  I had no specific social circle that suited me.  He welcomed me into his.  He demanded we be friends and friends, we became.

Great friends.  Almost inseparable.

He invited me into his life which resulted in me becoming a part of his family.  Family was what I had always craved. 

He invited me to share the best 15 years of my life with him and them.  And everyone he knew.

I never felt unwelcome. 

I could walk into wherever he lived uninvited.

He was never unloved or unappreciated.  I don't think I ever told him.  I am sure he knew.

Maybe, not.

Some people come into our lives and change us for the better.  And then they're gone.

Merry Christmas, old friend.