Dangling Thoughts

I am always taken aback when someone says they love me.  Be it, the one woman I expect to say it or someone here on the internet or real life everyday friends.  When those three words are said to me, I dissect them, probe them and then determine if there's an agenda attached or if they are saturated with disingenuous sentiment.

I grew up believing being loved had to be earned.  As if love is just a dangling carrot or a conditioned reflex like Pavlov's dogs to a dinner bell.

A lot of things I grew up believing still are an essential part of who I am today.

A little bit of something is better than nothing...

I always wonder what these little league teams are thinking by giving every team a trophy; losing teams and winning ones alike.  Hell, some leagues don't even keep score anymore.

Hello, equity.  Goodbye, competitiveness.
Hello, mediocrity.  Goodbye Excellence.

I'm stitched together with this belief that there are winners and losers.  I expect that if you are the winner, you get rewarded. In fact, I believe winners should be elevated above others.  I believe winners should be praised, admired and loved.

Yes, loved.

I don't want to be the clumsy athlete that gets a trophy because he almost ran to the right base after almost hitting the ball out of the infield.
I don't want to be the politician that is defined by sound bites and photo ops.
I don't want to be the man that is loved for trying.

When I say "love", I am not talking about prejudicial jargon based on pity or said with condescension.  I want to earn one's love and then be rewarded with action.

But maybe, I am flawed in my thinking.  Maybe, this whole notion that love is unconditional means there is no earning involved.  Maybe, we are supposed to love others just because... but in my mind, unconditional love is no different than giving a trophy to each player on the losing team.  I recognize it's a flawed analogy.

I struggle with this little thing called love.  I don't wrestle with giving it.  I struggle with accepting it.

I came across this little quote last night:

I had never heard of this or even considered these words.  Immediately, I thought of my last dog; the greatest dog a man could own.

I could yell at that dog or get frustrated with him and tap him in the nose; no matter what negative reaction I imposed onto him, he still loved me.

I don't like to equate animals to humans nor do I want to compare a pet's devotion to his master to the love between two people.  However, I wonder if dogs love us because they need us or if they need us because they love us... like a conditioned reflex.

Maybe dogs are just brilliant at being manipulative.  I don't know.

What I do know is that I am slowly learning that love is not a dangling carrot to be yanked away if I fail nor is love something I have to earn on a daily basis to the same people all the time.

I had this belief that there is a battle between neediness and independence.  As if they both are at odds with each other. 

They aren't. 

As needy as dogs are reputed to be, if you allow them off their leash, they will run to their independence. 

But at the end of the day, they always come back home.