Monsters

I had just awoken from one of those deep sleeps; those types of sleep where you have three dreams, one right after the other.  Completely exhausted, I sat at the edge of my bed recalling each and every detail of those dreams. 

I have this weird feeling she doesn't love me anymore.

I laid my head back down onto the pillow; hoping to catch a wave to another dream; a better one.  Futility sinks in and I come to the realization it's time to get up.

Still without my equilibrium, I stumble into the kitchen.  I open the refrigerator door and just stare into its belly.  Nothing comforting stares back at me. 

I have this sick gnawing feeling that she doesn't love me anymore.

I drag my bare feet across the hall and wander into the bathroom.  I bend down, turn the shower on.  Hot.  Cold.  I can't find any middle ground this lonely September morning.  But it's okay.  I disrobe.  One foot after the other steps into the cold shower and I rush to finish.

It's going to be one of those days, I tell myself as I stare at the blank face in my mirror.  I'm not good at detaching myself from those I love. 

I find myself laughing aloud when I realize I am wandering around the house with nothing on.  I am not even sure what I am looking for but I just keep walking from one room to the next. 

I have this weird feeling that all this time, I was really alone.  Despite any words that have ever been said, no matter the degree of affection on a given day, it's become all too clear.  Maybe, I have this bad habit of making myself out to be a martyr.  It's easy to believe accusations thrown your way from someone who claims to know you. 

She doesn't know me.   I have this burning instinctive voice that tells me she never tried.

I find something practical to wear.  No need to look good for myself today.  I'm not going anywhere.

I've got some friends behind this 14 inch screen and I suppose today is the perfect day to hang out with them.  I am a god of this virtual world.  Well, we all are, I suppose. 

With a click of a button, another reality awaits.  It's this land of friendly faces and self-absorbed monsters.  I doubt these monsters exist in the real world.  Something about phony praise and extreme superlatives turn regular almost abnormal people into these over exaggerated versions of themselves.  Self esteem and self worth ride on a few disingenuous typed words. 

And I've witnessed it all in this surreal place.  Talent, creativity, beautiful, funny... these words have all been redefined.  And it makes me want to stay because the real world is a little more cruel.  Well, both worlds are cruel if I really think about it.

I have this weird feeling that she would love me again if she stepped foot into this other world.  I'm much more tolerable there.  And funnier.  And smarter.  Because they told me so.

Every monster has an ego.  The smaller the ego, the larger the monster.  Socially awkward introverts run from plain to plain waving their arms in the air and the rest of us, for some damned reason, keep feeding them.  And I suppose we, the judgmental ones, attempt a little balance.

Being a god in a virtual world is empowering.  I can silence anyone with the off button.  I can kill without committing a crime.  I can comfort with mere words without wasting an ounce of energy.  I can pick and choose which prayers to answer.  I can be worshiped by some and hated by others. 

Indifference is left on the outside by those who claim to love us.

And I have this sick gnawing feeling, I have become an after thought.  So, I thank the real God for this other world because it's there and only there, where I can make myself heard.  And felt.  And sympathized with.  And martyred.

I'll take a nap at some point today.  I have a few dreams I have yet to finish.

And I have this weird feeling that she loves me much more than she cares to admit.