Love Hard

It just might be my favorite movie quote of all time.

I've got two black eyes from the lack of sleep.  I have a toilet bowl coated with my stomach contents yet I haven't been eating.  Waist down, I can't function.  Desire is a thing of my past.  I hate women.  I hate men.  I hate my creator.  I hate laughter.  I'm listening to my favorite song on REPEAT.  I'm laying in bed waiting to die.

I believe almost everyone has been in that place.

Mr. "Shit Happens" once gave me a pep talk after a breakup.  He loosened his belt, looked me square in the face and said, man up. 

Mr. Shit Happens is a lonely man. 

I don't give a shit who he is or who you are; if it doesn't hurt, it isn't love.

I told Mr. Shit Happens what I thought of his overexagerrated masculinity.  Boys don't cry?  Boys do cry.  Grown men cry.  Mr. Shit Happens is one rejection away from rethinking who he is really is... Mr. Cliche.

There's other fish in the sea.
When life hands you a lemon, you fucking make lemonade.

I get angry when the assholes of the world unite to sing the praises of John Wayne during a moment of despair.

I have seen Snoop Dogg cry when he repeated his wedding vows with his wife.  I know love when I see it.

When you love someone completely, you should be completely disfunctional when that love is removed from your life.  Indifference is the polar opposite of passion.  I choose passion.

There's only one thing worth living for and it's also worth dying for:  love.

Most marriages may fail.  Men, women looking to trade up.  Mr. Low Self Esteem and Mrs. Bored Housewife getting cold feet; years after their wedding vows.  I'll take my chances. 

I've got a hole in my heart and it exists because I loved hard. 

There are millions of stories of men and women who lost the will to live once their other half died.  They loved hard.  And I guarantee you that not a single one of those couples would have done a damn thing differently.

Fuck.  I would take a sad ending if it meant a lifetime of happy in-betweens because there really are no sad endings if we are given the happy in-betweens.

I am really scared right now.  Not for me but for someone I love.  I have to remind myself, "it's not about me.  It's about her."  I have to be strong.  I have to show strength.  I have to use the very strength she taught me.

I tend to look ahead and forget the present or I tend to look behind and ignore today. 

I was watching our movie.  It's that scene that gets me everytime.  Father says to son, "let's go and get the shit beat out of us by love".  And I'm thinking, "Now, that is a father.  To teach your son to risk it all for love and to warn him at the same time that heartbreak is a real possibility... now, that is something all boys should learn young."

If I have a son, I will tell him that being a man is all about fighting for the one you love.  I will teach him that respecting a woman is defined by how you speak of her and treat her when she is NOT around.  And I will tell my son, that if it doesn't hurt, it isn't love.

And If I have a daughter, I will tell her that her worth is not defined by how she looks or dresses but by the mere fact, she is a girl; a younger version of a woman.  I will make damn sure she makes men fight for her and earn her.  Then I will mention, if it doesn't hurt, it isn't love.

Fuck, being in love and being loved is all anyone should want out of this short lived life we live.

It's not live hard and die young.  It's love hard and die.  No regrets.  No what ifs.

The things I can't wait to teach my children.

40

it's not supposed to be like this
it wasnt supposed to be like this
youre a liar
a beautiful liar
your last words
those last words
see you soon
see you later
it wasnt suppsosed to end like that
its never supposed to end like that

its not supposed to feel like this
no one should ever feel like this
wish that without you my heart wouldnt break
wish i didnt have to explain your mistake
youre a drunk
a beautiful drunk
beautiful liar had to expire
youre not supposed to feel like that
no one should ever feel like that

its supposed to be over
it was supposed to be over
still seems like yesterday
tomorrow we'll be talking about yesterday
wish you turned 40 before me
wish we could trade places quietly
such a disgrace
a beautiful disgrace
it's supposed to be over
it'll never be over

it's not supposed hurt like this
nothing should ever hurt like this
they're still asking questions
beautiful questions
did he fall asleep peacefully
did he end his misery
a beautiful smile in beautiful denial
he wasnt suppposed to hurt like that
he didnt deserve to hurt like that

its not supposed to be like this
it wasnt supposed to be like this
gone is that beautiful mystique
wish we could trade places
beautiful sleep
it shouldnt be like this

it will always be like this

Martyr

Maybe, it's as simple as that smell of rain that permeates the Portland air the very second I stepped outside the airport.  Maybe, its the majestic view from the balcony of that hotel as I drunkingly stared at the Vegas skyine.  It could be that moment I realized I was surrounded by nothing but the calm waters of the Pacific.

All those memories cling to my senses as I realize some moments can never be duplicated.

I'm sorry for the person I presented myself to be.
I'm sorry my crown of thorns was just a figment of my own imagination.

Everyone wants to be a martyr.

Sometimes, I drive past that larger than life house where friendships were cemented, where ghosts stumbled into the kitchen slurring the haunting words of love me.  I imagine that the new family that now occupies MY home probably couldn't care, probably staring at their own family albums without a clue that a ghost is weeping at their good fortune.

I'm sorry for the moat I securely built around my castle.
I'm sorry my defense mechanisms caused me to turn a blind eye.

Everyone thinks they are a martyr.

Jesus is the punchline.  Mother is the joke.  The devil plays the harp on the shoulder of the weak.

And I am just a martyr.

The people are staring at a man as if that man is king and as that king fiddles, those people are on fire.  I imagine Rome was burning as her people were asleep.  Slumber couldn't come much sooner for the martyrs who thrive in their own dreams.

I'm sorry I spoke my mind on a sunny Sunday afternoon.
I'm sorry I served kool-aid during your communion.

Everyone wants to be a martyr.

Maybe, it's the smell of rain that permeates the Portland air or the majestic Vegas skyline.  It could be as simple as drifting across the Pacific where loneliness steers that ship.  It could be all those moments I can never duplicate.

I am sorry for the deceptions that brought me to my knees.
I am sorry I am not the martyr...

I presented myself to be.

How to Pickup Chicks‏ online

Disclaimer:  This advice is to be applied carefully.  No scientific research was done.  This advice is based solely on my observations here on Facebook.  (Also, its a joke)


For the Boys:

HOW TO PICKUP CHICKS ON FACEBOOK

1.  Compliments are the first step into gaining her trust.  Here are some examples:

Baby, you are fucking hawt.


I would love to tap your sweet fine ass.


2.  After you have gained her trust by showering her with compliments, talk about yourself (lying is okay).


Some examples of things chicks like to hear:

Baby, I have a 14 inch python in my pants.


I have a PHD in pleasing women.



3.  Also, chicks are impressed by guys who have trophies or metals.  As you are speaking about yourself to the chick, tell her about the various awards you have won.  Once again, lying is okay.  Also, speak in third person... chicks love that.  Here are some examples:

Hurl won first place in a clit licking contest.

Hurl won the nobel peace prize for rescuing puppies and orphans during Hurricane Katrina.

Hurl has a trophy for World's Most Unselfish Lover.

4.  Once you have the chick's undivided love and affection by letting her know how awesome you are, the final step is to send pictures... This is the crucial key to getting the chick.  Send her at least 10 pictures of your dick.  Send at least 4 pictures of you holding your hard dick in your hand.  Chicks love seeing guys masturbate.


Boys, follow these 4 short steps on how to pickup chicks, I promise you will get laid.

Fuck that Shit

I learned a new phrase today:

Fuck that Shit.

Sure, I've heard it before but it has never been directed at me.  Since, no one has ever said it to me, I've never put much thought into this beautiful and poetic 3 word phrase.

It was a simple conversation I was having with my girlfriend.  I made a slight remark how I was feeling at that moment.  Then, like a rabid dog, this woman exclaimed, "FUCK THAT SHIT!"

My first reaction was to examine this phrase and see what it means.  So, I headed to the best reference in the world:  urbandictionary.com.


Here's the first defintion of FUCK THAT SHIT:

A more polite way to say "I disagree with you or I may have another plan that may be different than yours."

i.e.  My homeys gonna rob the liquor stoh again tonite. I say fuck that shit, I got home work! It's a goddamn school night!

Okay, I get it.  Fuck that shit is for black people what forget about it is for the Sopranos.

Since I am on the subject of stereotypes, I decided to read more definitions of Fuck that Shit.

Here is the 6th defintion of Fuck that Shit on urbandictionary:

The new, hip, slightly more vulgar way of saying "no way jose".

So, now Fuck that Shit is for suburban white kids what no way Jose is for Mexicans.


So, I am considering trying an experiment the next time I go to Taco Bell.  When the obnoxious girl at the drive through window asks me if I want hot sauce with my order of an authentic Mexican pizza, I am simply going to respond by saying, "Fuck that Shit."


Then, I will record her response and see how "Hip" she thinks I am.


Then, I will return an hour later and when she asks me the same fucking question about hot sauce, I will respond with, "No way Jose".


Something tells me Fuck that Shit is much more convincing and intimidating.


Anyway, I am rather enjoying using my new phrase.


So, here are some examples of when Fuck that Shit is appropriate:

Dad:  Suzie, are you and David using condoms?
Suzie:  Fuck that shit.  I want to feel him inside me.

Boss:  Did you hit budget this month?
Employee:  Fuck that shit.  The economy sucks.

Wife:  Honey, will you take the trash out?
Husband:  Fuck that shit.  I'm watching Delta Force 8.  Chuck Norris is kicking ass.


And speaking of antequated phrases, the other day, this douche at my work said, "I am kicking ass and taking names."


Really, Mr. Middle Aged Man?  I haven't used that phrase since I was 15 while playing whiffle ball in P.E. class.


And what does that exactly mean?  So, if you kick someone's ass, you take his name?  If that theory is true, then there is a 40 year old retard walking around right now with my name.


And if you don't get what that means, I will just say that a retard named Manuel kicked my ass when I was in 2nd grade.  Yes, a real retard with Down Syndrome.  He was 15 years old.  I was like 8 years old.


Anyway, I am proud of my new phrase.  I will be saying Fuck that Shit every chance I get.


What phrases do you use?

What phrases do you hate?

Wait, Mr. President, I'm not finished

There's a bill floating around in Congress titled the "Protecting Cyberspace as a National Asset Act".  Basically, the bill stipulates that all internet firms and providers must immediately comply with any emergency measure or act developed by the Department of Homeland Security.

In other words, it is a bill that will give Dictator President Obama abolute power over the internet.  The president who already has nationalized the banking industry, the auto industry, and health care will now have the absolute power to shut off the internet based on what he perceives to be a national "emergency".

Emperor President Obama will, in more common terms, have a "kill swiitch" when it comes to the internet.  Basically, it is similiar to what China recently did regarding Google when the Chinese government temporarily removed Google's access to their citizens or what Middle Eastern countries have done by removing access to MySpace or Facebook to their people.


Not only does this administration want our guns, have a desire to nationalize the private sector; they now want our internet.


In regards to allowing Adolf Barrack Obama the power to shut off the internet when he deems necessary, my question is...

Is there any likely scenario where the internet is an immediate danger to the government, or the people?

I can't think of one.


Maybe, there is just cause to give our president this authority.


But on a more serious note, let's say President Obama is sitting in his oval office one night.  He gets a report from the CIA saying that terrorists are about to fly some airplaces on the information super highway straight into Facebook and blow up the millions of people who happen to be on Facebook at that moment.  Let's say, hypothetically, this is about to happen and actually makes sense, and the president then pushes his red button to shut down the internet briefly..


What happens to people who are not on Facebook and spend most of their online time here:

What happens if I or you are in the middle of watching porn and then suddenly, by one push of a button by our President, we see this:

There are many reasons why the American people should be worried when our government wants to control every aspect of our lives but nothing is scarier than the thought of watching porn and then it gets turned off before one is finished.

Diary of an Epiphany

Year 16:  She wanted my virginity.  Little did she know, year 13 was when it was tossed into the wind.  But it was my birthday.  Why would I give her a gift?

Year 8:  The nurses thought I was funny.  Maybe, they were humoring me.  Something about fear of the unknown that makes a boy feel alive.  Year 18 was no longer a dream.

Year 29:  The world is on fire.  Some people DO really want to watch it burn. 

Year 4:  Kind of young to be a bar fly but I sure could dance.  A tall Sarsparilla and I could tell tales about my father for hours.  We learn to lie young.  Well, I did.

Year 31:  I don't want to talk about it.

Year 13:  Hike up your skirt, little girl, and show your world to me.  And she did.

Year 37:  To be continued.

Year 18:  The next 13 years are worth talking about.  Sometimes, there's not enough words in the world.

Year 38:  Became ordained and then was excommunicated from the very friendship I was ordained for.  But he's doing well; assuming Facebook tells the true story.

Year 12:  Our house was our car.  Our car was our house.  But it was home.  For a day.  Things kids don't tell other kids but they know.  The cruelty of kids is awash in their kindness.  Just no one ever talks about THAT.

Year 39:  I don't talk about it anymore. 

Year 15:  God is so good.  Signed, Future Prodigal Son.

Year 17:  Her name was Karen.  She had so much potential.  I suppose she's not forgotten.

Year 40:  The World is on fire.  Some people DO want to watch it burn.  Heads buried in the sand.  Comfort found in a belief system that is proven to be right.

Year 10:  You, with the sad eyes, don't be discouraged.   And I wasn't.

Year 1:   Mischievous.  Probably won't grow out of it.

Year 41:  God is so good.  Signed, Epiphany.