Happy Thanksgiving, Asshole

There’s an unfunny adage, “Opinions are like assholes.  Everyone has one.”

It’s one of those sayings that people like to throw around.

Adages, clichés, doublespeak, similes, proverbs, sayings, one-liners, platitudes, maxims, and idioms all annoy me.  They irritate me because a lot of them are just lazy expressions.  The authors of most adages and clichés rarely even consider what they are saying.

This holds true with the unfunny one about opinions and assholes.

Yes, everyone has an opinion.  Fact.

But not everyone has an asshole.

In college, a good friend of mine had a roommate named Dave.  Dave was one of these people born without an asshole.   Because I didn’t feel like spending all day on Google trying to figure out this medical anomaly, I went to two web sites.

One site claimed that when a baby is born without an asshole, the doctor pokes a hole where it should be and is given a colostomy bag to empty its wastes into for the rest of his or her life.  I am not sure if this correct.

I do know that Dave had a colostomy bag and he emptied it about 2 times a day. 

One night after a long night of drinking, I walked in on Dave changing his shit bag.  It was almost as funny as the time I walked in on a girl in a public bathroom  who was standing on a toilet trying to insert her tampon.  That’s another drinking story for another day.

All I remember is Dave was standing near the toilet with his pants down holding a bag.  He started screaming at me to GET OUT and that was that.

We never spoke of the incident nor did I care to relive it.

This thanksgiving, a lot of us will be reflecting on things we are thankful for.  There are certain to be countless blogs with the usual clichéd blessings…. I am thankful for family, friends, living in a free country, God, good health,  blah blah blah…

But I doubt many if anyone will actually consider being thankful for having an asshole.

This thanksgiving, I believe it’s time we thank our assholes (if you have one).

Speaking of assholes….

The economy doesn’t seem to be getting much better.  With government spending out of control and higher taxes coming to those who give jobs to the rest of us (aka The Rich), jobs will continue to be difficult to find for those who are unemployed.

As the assholes in Congress are debating this new health care bill (which will be funded by taxing the shit out of everyone), I wonder how long it will take for Americans to stand up to this wallet draining government and return to our ways of self-reliance.  The assholes in Congress love making promises of free hand outs while using class warfare (aka the rich vs. everyone else) as a means to get THEIR agenda passed.

And if you’re wondering what THEIR agenda is; it’s POWER.  The assholes in Congress simply want power.  As they villianize the rich, they seem to forget that they themselves are rich.  Being rich is THE AMERICAN DREAM.  Now, the assholes in Congress make it sound evil.

This thanksgiving, I will be thankful I have a good job.  I am thankful I live in a free country where the American Dream is still possible. 

I am thankful for my mom and my friends.

I am thankful for that special person in my life.

I am thankful my basic needs are met daily; food, shelter and clothes.

I am even thankful for the little things I take for granted; like my asshole.

I am not thankful for the assholes in my life or the assholes in Congress.

But like some unfunny people say, “Opinions are like assholes.  We all have one.”

And on that note, I am thankful that I am given the right to share my opinions without fear of death or being arrested.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone  (including Dave who will be eating a lot and having to shit in a bag afterwards).