High Maintenance Women

I've come to the conclusion that all women are high maintenance.  It just tends to manifest itself differently from woman to woman.

After a few years on social networks, I've learned everything I ever need to know about women; things I could never quite connect in my current relationship or relationships of past.

Ladies, Facebook and Myspace has removed all the mysteries of your gender.  You are high maintenance and there is not a damn thing, we, men, can do about it.

I'll break it down quickly.

1.  High maintenance hypochondriacs:  I dated one years ago.

These women are always sick.  They are allergic to bees, hummingbirds, the sun; you name it.  They are the type who post constant statuses on here letting us know they may not make it one more day.  "Oh dear, I am too weak to type but friends, I'm gonna be brave and type anyway.  Pray for me, my doctor says it's nothing but I will get to the bottom of this alone if I have to."

The hypochondriac is a common type of woman but she is always suffering from rare diseases and disorders; sometimes, they are ailments that humanity exterminated decades or centuries ago.  "Oh dear friends, I think I have small pox.  It's genetic.  My great great great great great great great aunt died from it back in 1652."

These types of high maintenance women will exaggerate everything.  "Oh dear, I have internal bleeding.  My doctor says it will last 3 to 5 days and return again next month and the month after and so on.  Pray for me."

My advice to men who date these types is to simply prepare yourself.  The sex will suck.  There will be a lot of cuddling and don't expect her to cook or clean for you.  She will always be too sick to do anything but she will be on Facebook a lot letting everyone know she is a fighter.

2.  The over emotional high maintenance woman.  I've dated this type, as well.  Many times.

This is the most common type of woman.  Since women are emotional by nature, it's forgivable.  The ones to watch out for are the ones who turn the most mundane of statements and turn them into something unrecognizable.

Man:  Good morning, honey.
Woman:  What is so good about it? Are you fucking someone else?
OR
Man:  What do you feel like having for dinner?
Woman:  Why?  Are you saying I'm fat.   Fuck you.  I will eat what I damn well please.   If you don't love me how I am, then leave.

These types of women are all over Facebook.  They think every negative status is about them.  Late at night, they are prone to post music videos that pertain to being brokenhearted or how shitty men are.

My advice to men who date these types, get used to it. They are worth it. The sex will be great.  The one drawback is there will be a lot of foreplay and cuddling.  You'll have to watch The Notebook once a month with them and silence will be your only weapon as she envisions the sky is falling because of something you never said.

3.  The insecure high maintenance woman.  Luckily, I've avoided these types.

These types always think they are fat and/or ugly.  They'll use trick questions because they want to trap men into saying the wrong thing so you'll have to spend the rest of the evening complimenting her.

Woman:  If I said it was okay for you to fuck Angelina Jolie, would you?

See?  There is no right answer with this.   Sure, we could say, "No baby, you are the only woman for me" but then she will turn that into "Are you gay?" or she will just follow it up with another trick question:  "Baby, if I wanted to have a threesome with you and Angelina Jolie, would you?"

Once again, its a trap.  Say yes, she'll accuse you of cheating on her.  Say no, she'll be mad at you for not fulfilling her fantasy.

Online, these women will constantly upload new pictures; always the same angle and pose.  They usually will preface each picture with some reverse psychology trick like "I look so ugly in this picture" or "this is was taken right after I gave birth to the triplets".  They do this so we will correct them and tell them how pretty and skinny they really are.

My advice to men is simply don't date ugly or fat women.

Okay, I mean, don't date women who know they are fat or ugly.

I mean, only date women who are secure with themselves no matter how they look.  Women are all beautiful.

4.  The typical high maintenance woman.  My favorite.

These are the types of women who tend to be a little arrogant.  They celebrate their femininity.  Manis, Pedis, little dogs.  They watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and think those women are role models.

Online, these women will let you know how sexy they are; usually through statuses like "Just got my hair done.  That was well worth the $300 I spent.  Claudio always does a great job.  Off to the gym now; gotta lose 3 pounds by summer."

My advice to men is to marry these types.  Sure, you'll have maxed out credit cards but your friends will envy you.  The sex will be great.