The Dilemma

dedicated to KM:

There's a dilemma in wanting to die
it's a matter of how
                                not a question of why

Pills?
What if I live?
A bullet?
Who could forgive?

A beautiful corpse with an ugly soul
  or
An ugly corpse with a beautiful gaping hole

Sometimes, I consider walking the beach
hoping to find a drowning man
So, I could reach out to him
and lend him a hand

And maybe I would drown in his place
It's only a plan

It's not suicide
if you get lost in the tide

Sometimes, I consider rushing a burning home
to save some kids
                            maybe a cat
Back to ashes and dust, back to being alone
A heroic exit in the name of a mishap

There's a dilemma in wanting to die
It's a matter of how
                               not a question of why

It's a scheduled appointment
on the darkest of moons
Straight into the sunset
lost in the monsoons

And maybe, something better will come my way
maybe a TV show to change my mind
Maybe some new medicine
to bury my old self behind

And the dilemma is real
And the dilemma disturbs
into the ghetto of my brain
and its surrounding suburbs

There's a dilemma in wanting to die
it's a matter of how
                               not a question of why