Now hiring: Private Investigators

I was watching a show on TV called Cheaters.  The basic premise centers around suspicious people in a relationship who believe their significant other is cheating on them.  So, they hire a private investigator to follow the suspected cheat around and videotape all illicit acts noticed.

It's brilliant entertainment.

I started thinking... Why wait until after we commit ourselves to someone to hire a private investigator?  Wouldn't it be better if we do it beforehand to see what kind of woman we are getting involved with?

1.  Blowjobs:  Does she give them?  And most importantly, does she enjoy giving them?

Women will give an obligatory blowjob in the beginning of a relationship in order to reel the man in.  It is important she enjoys it so they don't stop after 3 months with her or worse, after you marry her.

The PI will take pictures of her in the act.

If she makes this face after performing oral sex, she is not worth pursuing:

2.  Facebook:  A PI will be needed to hack into her accounts and check all of her communications with men.  It is important to find out if she is one of those women who carry on countless relationships with men online; leading each of them on, sharing nudes and intimate messages.

Also, if you met your potential spouse on the internet, do not be surprised if they leave you for someone from the internet.  

3.  Lottery:  A PI will be needed to pose as Ed McMahon and show up at her house with a GIANT FAKE check for Five Million Dollars.   

Then, the PI will need to follow her around for a few days "while paper work is being done and before the check can be cashed" to see how many friends this newly rich woman disowns.

Since some women are notoriously superficial, it is important to find out if the woman of your dreams may end up leaving you one day for money or worse, YOUR money.

4.  Sex toys:  A PI will be needed to break into her house to check out her toy collection.  If she owns any dildos or vibrators that are bigger than your own genitalia, move on.    Trust me, move on.

All in all, the idea behind Cheaters is brilliant but if we were to hire PI's before marriage, I suspect we wouldn't need them after marriage.


It's just a theory.