Grocery Shopping Tips‏

Last week, I made a trip to the local grocery store.  Because my refrigerator was completely empty, it was time for me to stock up.

I admit I suck at shopping.  I have no idea how to use coupons.  When the bag lady asks me "paper or plastic", I always think it's a trick question.  In fact, when asked if I prefer paper or plastic, I always stutter and it takes me about 2 minutes to decide.

*Quick thoughts that go through my head when asked the paper or plastic question:
Plastic supposedly pissed Al Gore off and kills polar bears.
Paper kills trees.
Plastic is easier to carry.
Paper bags are traditional.
Anyway, shopping is confusing to me.  I have no clue what is a good price.  I never even look at the prices. 

So, last week at my grocery store, I was standing in the frozen food aisle grabbing a box of bagel dogs when all of a sudden, I heard some young woman start laughing.

I looked next to me and a fairly attractive girl was laughing and she says, "Obviously, you are a bachelor."

"Why do you say that?" I replied.

"I can tell by everything in your cart that you have no idea how to cook, eat or shop".

For the duration of the 30 minutes of my grocery shopping, little Miss Know it All followed me around the store; being entertained by my lack of shopping skills.

By the end of my grocery shopping activities, I had the last laugh.  Little Miss Grocery Store Whore was taught by me exactly how to shop.  I will share my tips here:

1.  Shampoo:  Do you know how women will see their man watching a football game and start rooting for the team with the prettiest uniforms?  That's how, I shop for shampoo.  I buy the prettiest bottle I see.  Most of the time, it's a green or purple bottle.  And don't ask me the name brand because I have no clue.

2.  Beverages:  I always stock up on Pepsi, Orange Juice, Milk, Hawaiian Punch and for good measure, I usually throw in a nice $3.00 bottle of wine or tequila.

3.  Things I never buy:  Condoms and vegetables.  And I know they go hand in hand because I've seen those sex education teachers put condoms on bananas.  And yes, I know bananas are fruit so I avoid those, too.

4.  Crackers and Ketchup:  Because everything I eat involves one or the other, I always keep my house stocked up on these.

5.  Nutritious Foods:  Obviously, it's important I don't just eat red meat.  So, I always make sure I have fish sticks and microwavable chicken nuggets in the house.

6.  Dessert:  No meal is complete without an after dinner treat.  Starbursts, Red Vines and of course, cheetos are always on the shopping list.

7.  Bread:  I never resist one of those fresh bricks of french bread straight out of the oven in the bakery section.  The only problem with the bread is it is rock hard within 24 hours.

8.  Exotic Foods:  I do like being culturally aware of other foods.  So, I usually buy a pack of frozen chimichangas to appease my mexican side.  Also, I usually buy those Pepperoni Hot Pockets for my Italian tastes.

9.  Meat:  Most of my shopping time is spent in the meat section.  I always buy ground beef, brats, lunch meat and steaks.

10.  2:00 a.m.:  Usually, I try to do my grocery shopping after midnight to avoid crowds and overly concerned grocery store whores like the one I met last week.   

Most of my shopping is done at the local grocery store depending on my mood.  Also, I do some of my shopping at Costco because they sell giant bags of Starbursts and a pack of 60 razors.

You're welcome.