Back when I lived in a normal neighborhood where kids would come to my house to trick or treat, we had two bowls of treats: Candy for the cute kids and Pennies for the fat kids.
One year, we at
I admit there was a time when I thought little kids in costumes begging for candy was cute. I was 8 years old at the time.
Now, it's just annoying.
I'm sure once I have a kid, my thoughts will change on this holiday.
Halloween: a holiday for pedophiles.
So, I am reading the news online and come across this: As thousands of East Valley children prepare to hit the streets this Halloween, sheriff's deputies are reminding registered sex offenders to stay inside their homes Sunday night.
Seriously? That's like telling someone to NOT go to the post office and pickup your mail because the mail man will be delivering it personally later that day.
Better yet, it's about as stupid as those people who drive all over the seedy parts of the city looking for a hooker. Horny men who can't get laid know that Craigslist is the place to go and those hookers will actually drive to your house to fuck you.
Why would a pedophile leave his house? The kids are coming to him.
If I was a sherrif or deputy, I would demand that the sex offenders spend the holiday at the bingo hall where children are most certainly not to be found or at least make each sex offender have a sign in their front yard letting everyone know that a sex offender lives there:
Halloween: the holiday that separates the smart kids from the stupid ones.
One halloween as a kid, I had a brilliant idea. I had three halloween costumes. They were all cheap ass masks mom bought for me at Kmart.
In the early evening, I literally went trick or treating to about 25 houses. Then, I would return home, change my mask and return to those same houses. I did this 3 times.
25 houses X 3 costumes= 75 handfuls of candy.
Less walking. More time to eat my candy.
And I won't even mention the time I tried to go trick or treating in July. It's a true story but since it resulted in no candy, there is no point in telling it. But it was brilliant, nonetheless.
Halloween: the holiday where poor kids show off their creativity.
One Halloween, mom couldn't afford to buy me a costume. This was in the early 80's during the infamous air traffic controller strike during the Reagan Administration.
I found a piece of cardboard and wrote "ON STRIKE" and wore it around my neck.
When people asked me what I was supposed to be, I told them I was an air traffic controller on strike. Many adults were impressed by my creativity and knowledge of current events, it actually resulted in more candy for me.
Another year, I wore a Dominos Pizza hat and said I was a pizza delivery boy. In a low voice and a pouty lip, I would make sure every house knew I was poor and it was the only costume we could afford.
Poor kids= brilliant kids.
I won't mention how my mom gave me two bags that one Halloween: one bag for candy and one bag to pick up any aluminum cans I saw in the street or in people's yards while trick or treating.
My mom was as creative as me, I suppose.
Halloween: the holiday where it is cool to be gay.
No offense to the homos but seeing grown men in halloween costumes is an assault to my heterosexual senses.
And the next time that 40 year old douche at my bank tries to convince me that dressing up as a gay vampire from the Twilight movies is cool, I will switch banks.
Really, I hate this holiday.
However, someone important to me went to the World Series game tonight and saw a man dressed as Alan from The Hangover for Halloween. She tried to get a picture but he disappeared into the crowd of people.
But then again, it's completely retarded to dress up for Halloween at a baseball game. Almost as retarded as those who paint their faces at sporting events.
Halloween: ITS RETARDED.
No comments:
Post a Comment