Sir Shits A Lot‏ the Emo Dog

I came home from work yesterday only to find a huge ass dog waiting for me as I entered my house.

Our lady of compassion and good Samaritan, a.k.a my mom, decided to volunteer me to dog sit.

It's fine.  She's done it before.  Mom likes to make easy money.  When she's not busy cleaning houses or taking care of old people or selling MY stuff to pawn shops, mom has a dog sitting business.  The way her business works is she brings the dog over to my house and says, "Son, remember how people used to help us when you were a kid?  Well, I need you to help someone and watch their dog while they are out of town."

She's the master of manipulation.

Like always, I agree.  I watch the dog.  She gets paid for it.  And then life goes on.

Last night was just another typical day in her part time dog sitting business.  She picked up some lady's dog, dropped it off at my house, left a note with instructions when to feed and walk the dog and kindly left me alone to take care of it.

When I woke up today, this was the scene in my dining room area:

Apparently, Ms. Manipulation forgot to tell me I am dogsitting an animal with the bladder of an 80 year old man.

Eight hours and 7 piles of dog shit later, I have officially retired from the dogsitting business.  Shit, I wasn't getting paid anyway.

Because I was so angry and my house was smelling like dog shit, I called Miss  "I love to dogsit as long as my son does the actual dogsitting" aka my mom and demanded that she come pick up the dog immediately.

One hour and two more piles of dog shit later, she showed up.

Before removing the dog from my home, mom decided she was now a dog whisperer.

For 20 minutes, she kneeled next to the dog and asked him some questions:

"Sir Shits A Lot, are you sad?  Do you miss your mommy and daddy?  Are you nervous staying in someone else's house?"
*The dog's real name is Shadow.  I have renamed it Sir Shits A Lot due to it being black, fat, and of course, the obvious reason: It shits a lot*

So, mom sat there next to the dog and psychoanalyzed it for about 20 minutes.

When they were done talking or whispering or whatever the hell it's called when a crazy old woman has a conversation with a stupid dog, mom turns to me and says, "Shadow is just depressed.  He needs you to hug him and he will stop shitting everywhere.  It's a cry for love."

"Great, I am dog sitting an Emo Dog", I thought silently.

 Mom tried everything to manipulate me into keeping Sir Shits A Lot, the Emo Dog, but I was in no mood to dogsit anymore.

Mom finally gave in and took Sir Shits A Lot back to its regular home. 

As for me, my house smells like shit.  I have shit stains on my carpet and I am in a bad mood.